Broken Wings, Shattered Heart
by BigTimeRush-BTR
Summary: The sadness, it lingers; it takes over me. I'm screaming for help, so why can't you see? The cry of the broken, the cry of the lost – it falls on deaf ears, until I am gone.
1. Prologue

**I don't know how I feel about this story. I know that I have a lot of stories that I need to update, and I do plan on updating them soon. Things have just been... crazy lately, and my mind has been all over the place. I use writing as a way to cope; a way to let out emotions. And if you know me, you already know that. And it is because of how messed up things have been lately that I have not been writing... because no one needs to see the dark side of my thoughts.**

**Anyway, this took maybe like forty-five minutes to write, so it is not my best work, not by a long-shot. I decided to just write and allow whatever came out of it to come out, if that even makes sense. I never plan my stories... but you all seem to like them anyway, so hopefully you all like this. One-shot or multi-chap... I don't know what this is. I guess that is up to what you guys want, though I am working in too many multi-chapter stories at the moment, but again, it is up to you guys.**

**Enjoy.**

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He reached for the door, right tan hand pushing against its solid surface. He allowed the shorter brunette and the blond to walk out before following close behind, all the while doing his best to hold back the tears that he could barely restrain. Logan - the shorter brunette - stared at him for a moment with concern sketched all over his pale face. Kendall, the blond and unofficial leader of the small, not-quite-complete group of best friends, had his gaze turned to the ground, hands stuffed into his jeans' front pockets. James sighed, running a hand through his disheveled brown hair. Normally, he would be upset over having messed up hair, but not today. Not when there was so much on his mind. Not when his other best friend - his brother - was lying on a hospital bed, fighting for his life.

"This cannot be happening," James muttered, tears gathering in his eyes and making his vision blurry. "I can't... It just can't be happening."

Kendall bit his lip, stretching out an arm and pulling James into a hug. He stretched out his other arm, signaling with his free hand for Logan to get nearer. When he did, he pulled him close and buried his face against the soft tufts of hair that covered his best friend's head. He willed himself not to cry. He couldn't cry, not in front of them. He had to be strong. Even if he was the youngest and often wanted to seek the comfort of others, he just couldn't allow the tears to fall. He had to be strong for all three of them, even if it killed him in the inside.

"He's going to be okay, guys. We'll make sure of it. As soon as he's out of here we will not allow him to hurt again."

"You can't stop someone from hurting, Kendall," Logan said, looking up at the blond with doe-like brown eyes. "You can try... we can try to protect him, but no one is ever one hundred percent safe from being in pain."

"I know, Logan," Kendall said, a bit agitated. "But I will not allow him to hurt so much again."

Logan bit his bottom lip and gave a small nod, letting his head rest against Kendall's shoulder for a moment. He then looked up, staring at James with a quizzical look, but the younger brunette did not seem to notice. He was staring blankly into space; face unreadable. His brown eyes turned to Kendall after a few seconds, meeting his warm green eyes. He offered him a smile, one that was visibly forced. Kendall did not smile back. He simply rubbed his shoulder in a comforting manner with his hand and placed a kiss to the top of his head. A stranger would have most likely misjudged the small gesture, but to them it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. James, Kendall and Logan - and Carlos, of course - were all very close, so to them it wasn't anything strange. It was a gesture of affection, and Kendall only hoped that it would comfort the brunette in a time like this.

"James?"

Logan didn't know when it was that he had opened his mouth, but as the name slipped from his lips, he realized that it was he who had said his best friend's name. The taller boy looked down, eyes teary, lips trembling... Everything about him seemed broken.

"Hmm?" he asked, or more like hummed in response.

"Are you okay, James?" he asked softly.

"I'm fine," was James' reply, and before Logan or Kendall could question him any further, he had pulled away from the hug and started walking off towards their parked car. Logan let out a dry sob as he felt Kendall pull him impossibly closer. He allowed the other teen to guide him towards their car. James was already seated on the driver's seat. He had a tight grip on the steering wheel, knuckles white from the force. Kendall guided Logan to the back section of the car and opened up the door so that Logan could climb inside.

"James, are you sure you want to drive? Because I'll drive if you can't-"

"It's fine. Keep Logie company," James answered, not even turning to look at him.

"Okay," Kendall mumbled back, right before climbing into the back with Logan and wrapping a protective arm around his shoulders. The dark haired brunette curled up against his side, tucking his head under Kendall's chin and closing his eyes. He wasn't the kind of person to seek comfort. If anything, he always tried to hide his emotions, much like Kendall and James. He wasn't like Carlos. The little Latino wasn't very good at hiding his emotions... at least, that's what everybody thought. But now, all of them were beginning to question that, because today, they had realized that that wasn't true at all.

It is sometimes the happiest people, the ones who go out of their way to lift others' spirits, that are the ones who hurt more than anyone... in silence.

All of the boys coped with pain in different ways. Logan would cope by drowning himself in books, writing, any activity that would distract him from the pain. James would isolate himself from everyone and pretend he was perfectly fine when it was obvious that he wasn't. Kendall would distract himself by attending to everyone else's every need, offering others a shoulder to cry on, even when he so desperately wanted the same thing himself. And Carlos... Carlos hid it, hid it well. Too well, now that Logan thought about it.

"I'm such an idiot."

Kendall's voice broke everyone out of their thoughts. Logan froze as soon as the younger boy's four-word sentence registered in his brain. James sighed and turned around, shaking his head from side to side.

"No, Kendall. We are not going to play the blame game. If you even think about saying that this is all your fault, then I suggest for you to not even open your mouth and stop thinking like that. Would he want you to be blaming yourself?"

"You don't understand, James. You don't get it! I should have n-noticed..."

Logan winced, feeling the way Kendall shook slightly as the tears finally rolled down his cheeks. He felt paralyzed. Kendall never cried. The only time he had ever seen him cry was when he was ten years old and his father had dared to walk out on his family. But other than that, never.

Without thinking, Logan wrapped his arms around the boy's slim waist, squeezing him tightly. "Don't do this, Kendall. Don't blame yourself. The blame rests on all of us, not just you. We should have seen it sooner," he said in a soft voice. Kendall didn't respond. But Logan felt him turn to putty in his hold; crumple up like a beaten up sheet of paper, and for once allow himself to be comforted. James watched the sight with pain-filled eyes, wanting more than anything to break something, because this wasn't fair. This was too much pain; too much to take in in one day.

Crawling over the front seat, the tall brunette climbed onto the back seat, pulling the two broken boys close, and finally, _finally_ allowed the tears to cascade down his cheeks like a waterfall. Pain demands to be felt, and sometimes one can't help but allow it to take control, coursing through their body the way a snake's venom flows through one's veins.

Nothing hurts more than seeing someone you love in pain... or seeing them attempt to take their own life because of it.

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**Hate it? Love it? Anything I can improve on? Please let me know, and thank you for reading.**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	2. Chapter 1

**Before I say anything else, I have an important announcement at the author's note in the end of the chapter. So if you don't want to read the chapter, just go down to the bottom, and see what I have to say. It's something I feel several of you are going to be upset about, and for that, I am sorry.**

**I hope you all like this chapter. I actually enjoyed writing it, so hopefully it turned out well.**

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The bell rings, signaling that the end of the class is over, but due to the thoughts that are currently plaguing my mind, I don't even acknowledge it. It's not until I feel a tap on my shoulder and I hear someone calling my name, that I turn around, meeting hazel eyes. It's James. The rest of the class has already left, but Kendall and Logan are standing in the doorway, waiting for the two of us, I assume. I gather my things and shove my pencil and my unfinished classwork paper into my backpack in a hurry, not bothering to hand it in to Miss Collins.

"Aren't you going to give Miss Collins your paper?" Logan asks in a hushed whisper as he nears the two of us. A feeling of nervousness courses through my body, making me grow still and my heartbeat to quicken.

"I'm... I'll just give it to her on Monday. Hand it in late, you know? I'm sure she won't mind," I say, even though deep down, I know that that won't be the case. It'll probably just stay there in my backpack, getting buried and crumpled up by other papers and my notebooks. I don't bother with homework anymore. It should bother me, it really should, but it doesn't. I know that it is important, and that I should do it, but I just have no motivation or will to get it done. I procrastinate too much, and I do it well. Despite the nagging voice in my head, telling me to do it, I have no energy. It's like the simplest things are now the most difficult to do. And the difficult things have become near impossible to accomplish.

"Alright... I really hope so, because last time you said that, you didn't even bother to do it and then ended up in detention," he warns me. I can tell from the tone of his voice that he doesn't believe me, or does not believe that I will follow through with my word.

"We should get going," Kendall says, making us all turn to look at him. "I don't know about you guys, but I've had enough with being here for seven hours straight."

Logan rolls his eyes and James chuckles. I nod my head and follow him out the door along with the others. We all walk over to the elevator located in the lobby, and James presses the button for the second floor. I lean my back against the elevator's wall as the doors close and it starts ascending to our destination. It doesn't take very long for the doors to open back up, and before long, we are in Apartment 2J.

"Hey guys."

I turn my head around, having not seen Katie sitting on the bar counter, since I had made a mad dash to mine and James' shared bedroom as soon as we were inside. I wave at her quickly and rush to the place that I like to call my little asylum—whenever I'm by myself, that is.

I let my body flop down on my bed, having left my backpack on the floor. I stare at it from where I'm lying, sadness enveloping me. I know it'll probably be left discarded on the floor until the very next day. The reason I don't bother with my schoolwork anymore, is because I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never succeed. I'm reminded of that every time I get a low grade on a quiz or a test, every time Logan goes on about getting straight A's. It's not his fault, though. He's so smart, and he deserves the grades he is given. But compared to him, I might as well not even try.

"Hey, there you are." I roll my head to the side, meeting James' gaze. He walks to his bed and sits down, facing me. "The guys and I were gonna go buy something to eat. You wanna tag along?" he asks me. I stay quiet for a moment, contemplating what to say next. Despite feeling completely drained out of energy, I mutter a quiet "sure" and roll out of bed and onto my feet. James smiles and we both walk out, meeting Logan and Kendall in the living room.

"Hey, Los." Kendall smiles at me, before turning his attention back to the wallet he's holding in his hands. "Alright, so I have twenty dollars, which isn't really much, but I think it's enough to get us something. What do you guys wanna have?"

"Pizza?" James asks. Logan agrees with him, Kendall humming in response. He turns to me, and it is then that I realize that all three of my best friends have turned their attention towards me. I blush under their gaze and nod my head.

"Yeah, pizza sounds great," I respond, even though eating is the least of my concerns right now.

"Pizza it is then." We all turn to leave, but Kendall stops in his tracks, remembering Katie. "Katie, do you want some pizza?!" he shouts, since the small brunette has most likely locked herself in her room. I hear Katie shout a loud "yes," and next thing I know, she's standing besides us.

"Leaving without me, huh?" she asks playfully.

"Oh yes, how shall I forget my dear, annoying little sister?" Kendall grins, pulling her into a hug and ruffling her hair. I hear her groan and I watch as she tries to get away by tickling him. Kendall shrieks and pushes her lightly. I smile at the interaction, but I can't help but feel a pang of envy in the pit of my stomach. Kendall and Katie's relationship is something I had always wished I'd have. Something I'd never have.

I must sound like a selfish, inconsiderate jerk, and there are a lot of times when I do think I am one. But if you lived without a sibling for all of your life, wanting to have someone there to share the good times and the bad, but not having anyone, you'd know why it is that I feel this way. I have nothing against the two. Kendall and Katie are adorable, but I do wish that I had that growing up. It would have most likely made things a lot more bearable.

I plaster a smile on my face and follow everyone out of the apartment. Logan starts up a conversation with Katie, and I hear Kendall and James talking about what kind of topping they want on their pizza. I zone everybody out, not even paying attention to where I am going. It's one of those moments in which you know where you're headed, but aren't really paying attention to where your feet are taking you. It's kind of like my subconscious is telling me where to go, as my mind travels to other places.

We walk to a pizzeria that is only a couple of blocks from the Palm Woods. On the way there, we all start talking about our plans for the weekend, and even though I don't really have any, I tell the others that I'm planning to do some reckless stunt that I will most likely not even do. Luckily, it is enough to get them off my back. It's something that the old Carlos would have said, so of course, it does not spark any suspicion. And if there was any to begin with, it diminishes it.

I say "the old Carlos," because I don't feel like I am the person I once was. I used to always be so carefree, happy-go-lucky, and filled with adrenaline. As other people would have put it, I used to be a very bubbly person; the kind that never lets anything bring them down. But now? Now I am quite the opposite. I rarely smile, and when I do, it's forced. I'm always sad and down—I might even go as far as calling it depressed, considering how bad it is. I'll have moments in which I do feel a spark of happiness, but it never lasts long. It's like there's always something bringing me down. The dumbest and most insignificant things make my mood plummet, to be honest. I'm simply not myself anymore, and I hate it for so many reasons.

I feel trapped, I feel lost—I feel like I'm living inside a cage; like an animal from the zoo, and everybody else is going on with their lives, having no idea what is going on with me in the inside. I'm broken, seeking for help. But how can I find it, when I keep the fact that I need it, a secret?

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**I'm going to be putting this announcement in The Only Reason later on, but I felt like I needed to share it on here as well...**

**I will be deleting The Only Reason for several reasons. One of them being, that I am not satisfied with the way it's turned out, and the last two or three chapters have been kind of forced and have felt more like work than something I want to do. The other reason, is that that story is very similar to this one, though they start off in two very different places. I love writing Kendall angst, and I have been doing so since I started writing on FF over four years ago. I love it, because he is the character that I feel I am most like, but Carlos is a close second, if not more so than Kendall. I used to have a lot of trouble writing Carlos' character, because it's hard to write a happy-go-lucky character, when you're used to writing so much angst and sad stories. Therefore, I decided to write this story, in which Carlos is not the cheery person we see on the show. It's going to be a dark story... It's not going to be pretty, but that is what I'm aiming for. I'm writing it in Carlos' point of view, because I feel like it'll make things easier. It will most likely transfer to the narrator's POV once the story has reached its climax. I hope you will all still read it, despite it being centered around a different character...**

**I hope you guys liked the chapter, and again, I'm sorry for the news, it's just what I feel like I need to do. Thank you for reading the chapter. Thoughts?**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	3. Chapter 2

**Hey guys. I'm actually happy with how this chapter turned out—I hope you like it. Here you'll get to see a little bit more of what's going on with Carlos. You might be upset at him towards the end, because he lies to the guys, a lot. But he has his reasons... ****Enjoy.**

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"What kind of topping do you want on your pizza, Carlos?"

I shift in my seat, turning to look at Kendall, who is sitting across from James. James is to my left and Logan is sitting across from me, Katie in between Kendall and Logan.

"I, uhh..." I can feel their eyes on me once more, and in that moment, it feels like the little space between where James is sitting and the wall to my right, is decreasing in size. It feels like I'm being suffocated; like it's all caving in. I can't even think straight.

I rack my brain for a response, blurting out the first thing that comes to my mind and putting on a smile. "Pepperoni," I say uneasily. Kendall nods his head and gets up, walking over to order the pizza. I turn my attention away from him and turn to look at my two brunette friends and Katie, giving them a questioning look when I find that they are still staring at me. "What?"

"You just seem... off," Logan responds, "not to mention that you look a little pale. Are you feeling alright?" I can see the concern in his eyes, and it does nothing but make me feel guilty for worrying him. I feel James lay a hand on my shoulder. I subconsciously jump, not expecting the physical contact. He gives me a worried look too. I want nothing more than for the earth to swallow me whole.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired, is all," I respond. "I'll go to bed early. I'm sure that'll help," I say, though knowing me, that will most likely not happen. I can't sleep at night. My thoughts won't allow me to do so. They're bad during the day, but it is at night when they bother me the most. Sleep is not something that comes easily, which causes me to be exhausted during the day. It's not a nice feeling; having to go about your day, feeling like you're going to drop unconscious any second. It's draining, to say the least.

"Alright," Logan says. I turn my gaze to the table, not wanting to meet his eyes. I can still feel them on me. I feel James remove his hand from my shoulder, and soon, the two start talking—the topic being something about pineapple pizza being gross, Katie disagreeing with them. I kind of block out their voices, or try to, at least. All this talk about food is making me nauseous, and I wish that they would stop.

As if things couldn't get any worse, Kendall returns shortly, carrying plates with pizza slices. He sets mine in front of me. I feel my stomach do flip-flops just at the sight of it. I reach for one with my hand, watching as the other boys start eating with no problem. I force myself to take a bite and pass it down, not wanting them to question me any further. It takes a while for me to finish one slice of pizza, and by the time I finish it, I find that I am full. Unfortunately, I still have three slices in front of me. I don't know what to do with them. The mere thought of eating any more has my nerves skyrocketing.

"Um, James, can you scoot over a bit? I'm gonna ask if I can get a take-out box," I say. The taller boy gives me an odd look. "What's wrong?"

"You only ate a slice," he points out. I mentally slap myself, not even knowing what to say to him. "At least eat another one."

I nod my head and grab another slice. I don't know how I manage to do so, but eventually, I manage to finish it. James scoots out of his seat and offers to get the take-out box for me. I nod in response and thank him when he hands it to me.

"Are you sure you're feeling okay?" Logan asks. Sometimes I really hate how much he worries and how easily he can detect when something is wrong. I smile at him as we walk out of the pizzeria, hoping he'll believe the next words that fly out of my mouth.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Guess I'm just tired because of school," I say. Logan nods, but I'm not sure he believes me. If I were him, I wouldn't. I'm far from what most would refer to being okay, but he doesn't need to know that. No one does. I don't want anyone to know—it would just be a weight on their shoulders; a burden of some sort. If there's one thing I hate more than cruel people, it's being a burden to others. I would honestly rather suffer in silence, than have people worrying about me 24/7. I can take care of myself. I'll be fine. At least, that's what I keep telling myself over and over, and I've started to believe it.

"Hurry up, you slowpokes! You're gonna get left behind!" Kendall shouts from a few yards away. Sure enough, he, James and Katie are pretty far from us. I run to catch up with them, Logan following suit. It's not until I have finally caught up with them, that I feel a feeling of dizziness take over me. I grab onto Kendall's shoulder, trying to steady my balance. My vision blurs for a second, and I can't help but allow a feeling of panic to drape over me.

"Carlos?" Kendall asks. I shake my head, managing to shake away the dizziness. "You okay...?" He stops walking, turning to the other three. "Guys, go on ahead, we'll catch up with you guys in a second." Logan and James nod reluctantly and start walking away. Katie follows them, but not before shooting a worried glance in my direction. Kendall and I keep walking, but at a slower pace.

"You okay?" he asks again. He turns to me as he walks, green eyes filled with worry. Out of the three, he had been the one to not seem so concerned. I was hoping he wouldn't think anything was wrong, but I guess that was a little bit too much to ask for. When it comes to the ones he loves, he worries, a lot—more so than Logan. James worries too, but out of the three, Kendall's the one who's always keeping an eye on everyone, making sure everything is going smoothly. And once he sees that something is wrong, he doesn't let it slip.

"Like I told Logan and James, I'm just tired. There's no need for you to worry," I answer him, feigning a smile.

"I'm just... worried. You've seemed really tired for a while now, more so lately than ever. I just want to make sure you're okay." He looks kind of hurt. It makes me feel guilty. "Besides, I have every right to worry. You are my best friend, after all."

"It should be the other way around," I mumble under my breath, hoping he didn't hear me.

"What?" He stops walking and stands in front of me, confusion clear on his face. "What do you mean it should be the other way around?"

I sigh, running a hand through my black tufts of hair. "You shouldn't be worrying about me. I'm the oldest. I should be worrying about you, about all three of you," I say, regretting it as soon as the words spill from my lips.

"We're brothers," Kendall whispers, and if he looked hurt before, he looks a lot more hurt now. "It doesn't matter if you're the oldest and I'm the youngest; I'm still going to worry about you, because I care about you." His words should be comforting, but they're not in the slightest. "It hurts that you'd think otherwise."

There it is—the guilt. It hits me full-force. Of course, he doesn't know it, and frankly, that's how I want it to stay.

"I know. You have nothing to worry about, though. If something was wrong, I'd let you know," I lie.

"You promise?" the blond asks. I swallow the lump that's grown in my throat and push my feelings of guilt to the side, smiling despite the feeling of sadness that has settled upon me.

"I promise."

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**So, I was about to upload this, and then I realized that I forgot that Katie was with them. I had to go back and include her in the chapter, so hopefully, I didn't mess up and confuse anyone.**

**What did you guys think? Was it good, bad, great, awful? Let me know. :) And thank you so much for reading!**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	4. Chapter 3

**This is just a filler chapter, so not much happens in it. I am putting a warning, though—there is mention of self-harm in this chapter, and it is a bit descriptive. So if you think it might trigger you, please do not read the seventh paragraph. Aside from that, the rest of the chapter should be fine to read. Hope you guys like it.**

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When we get to the apartment, I place my left over pizza into the refrigerator, knowing that if I don't eat it, one of the boys most likely will. Mrs. Knight is in the kitchen cooking dinner, not having known that we had gone out for pizza. I sigh as I walk towards my room, hoping that I can get out of eating dinner with everybody else.

"Hey, wanna go down to the pool?" Kendall pops his head into the room. I groan from where I'm lying on my bed and shake my head.

"Nah, I'm good. You go ahead. I'm kind of tired."

"Alright..." Kendall ducks out of the room. I roll over onto my side and stare out the window. It's a great day to be outdoors; sunny, cloudless, but I have no desire to go out. I have no desire to do anything, to be honest. I wasn't lying when I told Kendall that I was tired. I am tired, but that's nothing out of the ordinary. I'm always tired, whether it be physically or emotionally.

I have this feeling that the boys are starting to catch on and suspect that something is wrong with me. Even Katie seems to suspect something, but that doesn't surprise me—Katie is quite mature and observant for her age.

I wish I could vanish into thin air, that way no one would have to worry about me. I'm just a stupid, immature waste of space. I bet they'd be better off without me... Everyone would be better off without me.

I'm itching for a blade. Longing to feel the cold metal against my skin. It's not something I do often, but lately the idea hasn't left my mind. I use it as a way to punish myself, just like starving myself. I know neither of the two methods of self-harming will do me any good; I know it's only hurting me. But my mind... My mind's convinced itself that I need to do it—that I need to punish myself for my mistakes. Even if it's wrong, even if it harms me... Starving myself and slicing my wrists makes me feel like I'm in control. It probably makes me sound crazy, and maybe I am. But I'm so broken. So tired of everything.

I force myself to stand up and walk over to the door. I push it closed and let my back slide against it. I don't know how much longer I can do this; hold up the façade and act like everything is fine when it is nowhere near fine. There's a part of me that wishes that someone would realize what's wrong with me and help me out of this hole I have dug myself. But then there's another part of me—the more stubborn part—that wants the complete opposite. It's the part of me that fears what others will think, fears there's no way out of this, fears everything and nothing all at once.

"Stupid." I tug at my hair until it hurts so much that I can no longer take it. I dig my nails into my scalp and let my tears fall, no longer caring if anyone hears me. I feel so stupid for crying over nothing. That's the thing about depression—sometimes you don't need a reason to be depressed, it just hits you out of the blue and messes with you, until you can't take it anymore. It makes me feel so pathetic and selfish. I can't help but think that there are people out there, who are going through so much more pain than I am, and here I am, upset over stuff that doesn't matter. It's so selfish of me.

Sniffling, I get up and collapse on my bed. I grab my pillow and press it against my face, succeeding in muffling the scream that escapes my lips. The tears soak into the pillow, but I could honestly care less. My body is shaking so bad, not only from how hard I'm crying, but also from the fact that I have not slept properly in days. It should worry me—I know it's not normal and not a good sign, but it doesn't worry me in the slightest.

I've gotten to the point in which I no longer feel like myself. I feel lost. In a way, I feel like I am a shadow of my former self. I wish I knew how to find myself, but I don't. It's like I'm at a war with myself. No way out, there's no way out.

I don't know how much time I spend crying into my pillow, but eventually exhaustion takes over and I end up passing out. When I wake up, it's to the feeling of someone shaking my shoulder and calling my name.

"Carlos, wake up, dinner's ready."

I freeze before even opening my eyes. When I do, Logan is sitting beside me on the bed, his hand still on my shoulder. "Wha?" I groggily respond as I rub the sleep away from my eyes. Logan gives me a sympathetic smile and gets up.

"Dinner's ready. Mama Knight said to let you sleep in, but I figured I'd wake you up, since you didn't eat that much earlier," he says.

"I'm not hungry," I lie, even though I am, but the thing is, I don't want to eat. Logan frowns at my response and moves closer to the bed. He reaches for my forehead, but I smack his hand away. "I'm not sick, Logan. I'm just not hungry."

"But you're always hungry." That one sentence has the power to make my heart drop. I know he probably didn't mean it in a bad way, but the way my mind works, I can't help but take it in a whole other direction. "You never reject a meal. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine." It's probably the biggest lie I can say in this moment, but I'll do anything to have him not worry. "Can you just save me some and I'll eat it later?" I put on my best puppy dog eyes, hoping he'll give in.

"Yeah, sure. I'll leave it in the refrigerator. But you better eat later, okay?"

One look at his warning gaze and I know he's serious. "Okay. Thanks, Logie." I put on the biggest smile I can force upon my lips and watch him leave the room. As soon as he does, my lame attempt of a smile completely crumbles and I break down in tears. I'm so screwed, and I know it well.

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**Thoughts? Thank you for reading.**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	5. Chapter 4

**I was going to wait until tomorrow to update this story, but since I finished it, I decided to just go ahead and update it right now. I really like how this chapter turned out, and hopefully you guys will, too. There is mention of self-harm in this, just letting you know… It's really angsty and upsetting. It's mostly just Carlos' thoughts throughout the whole thing, so I guess it could be seen as a filler chapter. Enjoy.**

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Here's the thing about depression—as hard as you try to brush it off or push it to the side, it's pretty much near impossible to do so. It's like a shadow that follows you everywhere. Even though you cannot see it, you _just know_ that it's there, and that at any given opportunity, it will make itself present, whether it be invited or not.

And sure, people will say that they are used to the feeling of utter sadness and emptiness that takes over them on a daily basis, but it's not something you can really get used to. The pain still hurts, the sadness still takes over, the walls still close in on you, making it seem like you're suffocating. But maybe, that's because you are. You're fighting a battle, against your own demons. They either kill you or the world does; there's no outlet. At least, that's what it feels like to someone who has no hope left in them.

"It's all in your head," people will say, making you feel like a fool; making you feel like you are delusional. And maybe, it _is_ in your head, but not in the way one might think. The voices, the whispers, the thoughts are all you, but they're also words that have accumulated from your past. It's _not_ something you can vanish with the push of a button. A lot of people seem to think that that's the case. Of course, it's hard to understand something you've never experienced. But people will be rude about it, and tell you things like, "Just be happy, it's not that hard."

It _is_ that hard. It's so freaking hard. It's so hard to be happy when your thoughts are nothing but dark. People choose to put on a mask for a variety of different reasons. Whether it be, because they don't want to appear weak, they don't want others to worry, they don't want pity, they don't want to be taken advantage of—we all have a reason.

For instance, I act like my happy-go-lucky self, because it's all I've ever known, and because I in no way want the others to worry about me. I don't want to be seen as a burden—as someone who needs to be looked out for. It's hard enough being the smallest, the most accident-prone, the reckless.

Lately though, acting like my old self has been getting harder and harder to do. I've started to not care about _anything_, and the thought of that alone terrifies me. At the same time, I'm not doing anything to put a stop to it. It's like there's two sides of me; the one that cares too little, and the one that cares too much, and so far, the one that cares too little has taken the upper-hand.

It's a terrifying feeling—_knowing_ that you're spiraling out of control. There are days when I stop and wonder where I went wrong; days when I hold the blade to my skin and realize that it _is_ wrong. But the thought vanishes as soon as it appears—it doesn't always stop me.

I'm terrified of the boys finding out about my dilemma. They would all worry for sure. I don't even want to think about how they would react. Of course, what I _want_ to think about and what I _do_ think about, are two very different things. I often spend a lot of time thinking about what I _don't_ want to think about. Like about how Logan's anxiety would increase drastically, if he had to watch out for me. Or how James would push his daily routines aside, in order to make sure I didn't do anything to hurt myself. Or how about the way Kendall would pace back and forth, feeling like a failure for not having seen it sooner? You'd think that that would be enough to stop me from self-harming, from starving myself, that it would fix all my problems. But in all honesty, it only makes me feel worse about myself. It makes me feel like I've not only failed myself but them as well.

I hear a light knock on the door, pulling me out of my thoughts. In one swift movement, I place the blade under my pillow and pretend to be asleep. I hear footsteps behind me, two pairs to be exact.

"He's seemed off lately," I hear Kendall whisper. "Do you think maybe he's sick?" The question hangs in the air for a few seconds, before another voice makes itself present.

"Could be, but I don't think so. Logan said it might be exhaustion, and considering how much Gustavo has been making us work, that's probably it." It's James' voice. I can almost picture Kendall nodding in agreement.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," he says, but I can hear the hesitation in his tone. He sounds as if he's lost in thought.

"You worry too much, Ken," James whispers. _If only he knew the truth_. "Carlitos will be fine and back to his giddy self in no time, you'll see."

_I don't know about that..._

"Have you ever known me to not worry?" A pause. "When we were walking home, he said something—something that caught me off-guard."

"What did he say?" James asks. I freeze inwardly, dreading the next words that will spill from Kendall's lips.

"He said that I shouldn't be worrying... That because he was the oldest, he was the one that should be worrying about us, and not the other way around."

"That's a crappy excuse not to worry," James responds, and it's not like I don't know that he's right. Because I know. Deep down I _do know_.

"So, I told him that that didn't change anything." Kendall sighs, obviously irritated. "You're right, he's probably fine, just tired. I'm kind of tired myself. I think I'm going to head to bed early. We do have to be in the studio early in the morning."

"Alright, goodnight, buddy."

"Goodnight."

I hear Kendall's footsteps slowly fade as he walks out of the room. I can't really tell what James is doing, considering my back is turned towards him, but within seconds, the lamplight in between our beds gets turned off and I hear him climb into bed. Within minutes, I hear him softly snoring. It's not until then, that I allow my tears to escape.

I'm forced to bury my face against my pillow to muffle my sobs. It's nothing new; it's a daily routine. I'm used to it, but as I mentioned before, it doesn't make the pain lessen in the slightest. It still hurts—my heart aches, literally. It's a horrible feeling, one that I would not wish upon my worst enemy.

Climbing out of bed, I grab the blade and make my way to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. It is with no hesitation that I slash the blade against my skin and watch blood pool around the new wound. Tears blur my vision, sobs escape my lips. Everything hurts, _everything_, as I seek a temporary release, even though I know it's wrong. I couldn't be bothered to care anymore.

I'm about ready to give up.

* * *

**What did you guys think of the chapter? Love it? Hate it? Anything I can improve on?**

**I've been working on some of my other stories, but I find this story a lot easier to write. Hopefully I'll update the others soon enough. Thank you for reading. Hope you guys liked it.**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	6. Chapter 5

**This chapter is shorter than the rest, but something really important happens in it. You're all going to hate me for what I did to Carlos, but it was to be expected, considering the prologue of the story... Trigger warning for depression, suicidal thoughts, and suicide attempt. Also, this chapter isn't written in Carlos' POV—just letting you all know, so there isn't any confusion. Hope you guys like it.**

* * *

_"Stop, stop, stop! This is horrible, I give up!"_

_The boys all watch as Mr. X exits the dance room, throwing his sunglasses against the wall in the process. He doesn't even turn back to look at them as he leaves, but they don't bother to stop him. It's not the first time he does this—it has happened on multiple occasions in the past, but this time, it's different. He's not irritated because the boys are being their usual goofy selves and refuse to listen to his rules. He left because one of the band members is being very unlike himself and not keeping up with the rest. More specifically, that band member being Carlos._

_James sighs and leans his back against the wall, staring forward without uttering one single word. Logan, Kendall and Carlos are still standing side by side in the middle of the room, everything quiet. Until Carlos breaks the silence, that is._

_"I'm sorry, guys," he whispers, turning in Kendall and Logan's direction, and then turning back to look at James. "I know I messed up—now Gustavo's going to be mad at all of us."_

_"He's always mad at us," James states as he walks towards the older boy. "We just want to know what's going on, Carlos," he says in a softer tone, his hazel eyes searching Carlos' face for any sign of discomfort or pain._

_"Nothing's going on, I'm fine—"_

_Kendall moves to stand in front of him, his hands resting on Carlos' shoulders. "Look me in the eye and tell me that. Tell me you're fine and I'll believe you."_

_Carlos opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. His eyes are stinging, tears threatening to fall at any moment. He does his best to hold back the sob that he so desperately wants to let out, but he can't. He can't look his best friend in the eye and lie to him. If it was a total stranger, or someone who he wasn't so close to, he would probably be able to, but not Kendall, James or Logan; anyone but them._

_The tears fall before he can stop them, and before he knows it, he's being pulled against someone's chest, his heart aching, body trembling, head spinning. Everything seems to come crashing down in that moment, and it all doesn't feel real._

_He slowly pulls away from the body and hesitantly looks up, to be met by the face of a clown, instead of that of one of his best friends. He tries to pull away and back down from the figure, but behind him, two other bodies are standing. He's trapped, with no escape._

_"You're worthless, you know that?" the first figure spits in his direction as it takes a step towards him and pushes him back. Carlos crashes into the two figures behind him and screams, but nobody comes to his rescue._

_Stupid. Ugly. Useless. Disappointment. Weak. Those are all words that are thrown at him by the figures, but he's no stranger to them. After all, they're the ones he hears on a daily basis in his head._

_"Please, just leave me alone," he begs as they come closer and closer, until they're suffocating him, choking him, leaving him no air to breathe._

_The first clown—which looks an awful lot like James—then reaches forward and wraps its hand around the smaller Latino's neck, squeezing it tightly, until he's gasping for air. He feels like he's dying. Everything around him is fading, black dots beginning to form and gather in his vision..._

* * *

Until air is suddenly filling his lungs once more.

Carlos wakes up with a start, only to be met by the darkness that fills his bedroom. Tears are falling down his face at a rapid pace, and his heart is beating at a frantic speed against his chest. He swallows the dryness in his throat and gets up on wobbly legs, turning to face the bed on the other side of the room. James is sound asleep, just like he should be. Everything is fine.

But everything's _not fine_, not in Carlos' eyes, at least. Because even though he might have woken up from a nightmare, he awoke to another one—a nightmare that is far too real, and one that he cannot awaken from.

He hears James turn around in his sleep, so he hurriedly but silently rushes out of the room. The apartment is completely silent, so he makes sure to not make any noise as he walks out and closes the front door behind him. He needs space, needs time to think, but his thoughts are simply not making sense. Everything is a blur, and he's not even sure how he makes it to the pool area, let alone to the corner of a busy intersection.

The night is quiet and peaceful; the only noise he can really hear is that of crickets chirping in the distance and cars rushing past him. The sky is cloudless, with stars shining from above. Everything seems so nice, but not everything is always as it seems.

He watches the cars pass by, and he knows that if he were to walk in front of the path of one of them, he'd most likely die in an instant, and in that moment, that is all that he really wants. He's tired of life, tired of the stress, tired of not being good enough, tired of his thoughts.

He's _done_.

One step forward, and he's no longer standing. He barely acknowledges the pain that comes when a car crashes into him full-speed, sending him skidding against the pavement and to lie lifelessly on the concrete.

He doesn't hear the squealing of tires or the sound of a man running to his side and dialing 911, as he does his best to hold himself together. He doesn't hear anything, for the moment his body comes to a stop in the middle of the street, everything has faded away.

* * *

**So... that happened. Thoughts? Thanks for reading.**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	7. Chapter 6

**This chapter's sad, in my opinion, because you kind of get to see how the news about Carlos affects each of the boys and Katie. It's sad, but not as sad as what is to come. I plan to hurt them all in some way or another (that sounds messed up, but you guys get the point), so there should be angst for everyone throughout the story. Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

At first, Logan isn't quite sure why it is that he got woken up from his sleep, but it only takes him a few seconds to figure it out. The phone in the apartment is ringing, at almost two in the morning. Confusion leads to fear, because who in their right mind would call at such a late hour? All he can think, is that something might have happened, something bad.

Groggily but in a hurry, he rushes to the living room, where the phone is. By the time he gets there, he's visibly shaking. He takes the phone in his hold and raises it to his ear, shakily saying "hello" into the speaker.

"Hello. Is this the number for the Knights?" the person on the other end questions him.

"Y-Yeah. Who is this...?" the brunette asks, already dreading the answer. He can't help but wonder if something might have happened to someone back home, or even Mrs. Knight, who had been visiting some relatives in Minnesota. From the corner of his eye, he watches as both Kendall and James emerge from the corner that leads to their bedrooms, Katie following right behind them.

"I am from the LA General Hospital," the man says. "I regret to inform you that Carlos Garcia has been taken into the ER—"

"W-What?" Logan asks, not even letting the man finish what he was going to say. His knees are shaking uncontrollably, and he feels like he might pass out any second now. Kendall must notice this, because he steps forward and takes the phone from Logan's hand.

"Who is this?" he asks, watching Logan's face, which looks pale, even more so than usual.

"I am from the LA General Hospital. Who am I speaking to?"

"Kendall," the dirty blond mutters, "Kendall Knight. What's going on?"

The man on the other end sighs, and Kendall's heart feels like it might have stopped, or like maybe the air in his lungs has been trapped. "Carlos Garcia was taken into the ER about fifteen minutes ago. He got hit by a car. We'll give you more information once you're here."

The grip Kendall had on the phone, loosens, and before he knows what's going on, he hears the noise it makes as it lands on the floor. He feels like he might throw up, or pass out—whichever dares to come first. But then he remembers Logan, and he hears James begging him to tell him what's going on. Katie's holding onto James' arm, watching the two boys in front of her with fearful brown eyes.

"Guys, what's going on?" she asks. It is clear by the tone of her voice that she is as afraid as she looks on the outside, maybe even more so.

"C-Carlos, he got h-hit by a car. We gotta get to the hospital."

Everyone stays quiet for a minute, except for Logan, who seems to be trying not to burst into tears in front of them.

"Y-You're joking, right?" James says, and that is when Katie starts to cry, which surprises Kendall, because he hasn't heard his baby sister cry since she was a baby. "Kendall, please tell me you're joking. I swear, if you are, I am going to—"

"I'm not..." Kendall says softly, looking away from the taller brunette, because he can already feel the tears that are threatening to fall. He refuses to cry in front of the guys, much less in front of his baby sister.

James bites his lip, his eyes tearing up. He doesn't speak; he's afraid to do so, in fear that he might break down at any moment.

"We gotta get to the car," Kendall says in an emotionless tone and nods towards Logan. "Where did you last leave the keys?" he asks him, since Logan is the only one who drives the BTR Mobile. He's the only one with a driver's license.

"They're on my desk," the smaller boy says in a small voice. He starts to walk towards their bedroom, but Kendall stops him and goes and gets them himself. It doesn't take him long to return. His heart breaks at the sight before him. Logan and James seem so broken, and Katie can't stop crying. It's an awful sight, one he'd rather not witness at all.

He opens the front door, allowing the others to walk out before him. He follows them in a daze, not really sure of where he's headed, because his thoughts are somewhere else.

When they get to the car, he thinks about having Logan drive them to the hospital, just in case they were to be stopped by a cop, but he decides agains it. He can see the nervousness in Logan's eyes—the boy is extremely shaken up, and Kendall doesn't want to put him through any more stress.

"I'll drive, you get in the back with Katie," he tells him. Logan follows his orders without a single word and gets inside, pulling the younger girl into his arms. James takes a seat on the passenger's side and just stares forward as they pull out, eyes unfocused on his surroundings.

The hospital is not too far from there, so it doesn't take them any longer than ten minutes to arrive. They all climb out and walk in through the glass doors, dreading the news that they'll be given inside.

Kendall nods towards the waiting room. No one even questions him as they take a seat there.

"H-Hi," the blond greets the nurse on the front desk, now shaking from fear. "I'm here for Carlos Garcia." The name sounds foreign in his lips; sounds so out of place, like he shouldn't be saying it, but he is.

The nurse types something into her computer, and then turns back to him. "He's been taken into the ER. The doctor will speak to you as soon as there's any news on him."

Kendall wants to scream. He wants to break something, wants to run and never look back. He feels anger, pain, and sorrow, and quite frankly, he doesn't know what to do with all these emotions. It's like they're begging to be set free, but he won't allow them to.

Instead, he nods and walks away from the front desk, taking a seat in between James and Katie. He turns to the smaller brunette and sees the tears in her eyes, and God, he hates it.

Logan, who is sitting beside her, has his knees pulled up to his chest, his face buried against them. It reminds him too much of the Logan he saw the time they auditioned for Gustavo, only ten times worse.

James has his hands tangled in his hair, his head leaning forward, facing away from everybody else. However, from the quivering of his back, Kendall can tell that he is crying. Kendall wants to hug him—he wants to hug all of them and tell them that things are going to be okay, but he doesn't know how to tell them something, that he isn't even sure of.

He's scared to death—terrified. So he just sits and waits, hoping that news will come their way soon.

* * *

**So, there you have it. The next chapter should be more angsty, especially in regards to a certain brunette... not telling you which one.**

**Hope you enjoyed, and thank you for reading.**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	8. Chapter 7

**I really need to work on my other stories, especially **_**Pretty Green Eyes Full of Remorse**_**, which I said I'd update around a week and a half ago (I think), but I really wanted to write this chapter. I hope you guys like it.**

* * *

It's almost four in the morning, and Kendall feels like he is going completely insane. He, along with James, Logan, and Katie, are still waiting on news on Carlos, and to put it lightly, he is starting to lose his patience.

To his right, Katie is sitting on the edge of her seat, legs swinging back and forth, and eyes bloodshot from crying. She's staring forward, bangs almost covering the saddened look that is hidden behind her eyes. She looks so fragile and small, and Kendall just wishes that he could take her pain away, in that moment and forever. If there's anything that he can't stand, it is seeing his loved ones hurt, especially his little sister. She's his whole world.

Logan is sitting to Katie's right, his eyes locked on the ticking clock that is hanging on the wall—it's like he thinks that if he stares at it long enough, time will pass by quicker, but Kendall knows that it won't. If anything, it'll make time seem like it's going in slow motion, and maybe, to them it is.

James is, for lack of a better word, not himself. He seems distant and unaware of anything around him. After crying for what seemed like hours, but was probably only about thirty minutes or so, the tall brunette had began pacing back and forth to the side of them, his hands tangled in between brown strands of hair, and that is how he finds himself in that moment.

Kendall is worried beyond belief, not only for Carlos, but also for the others. He knows that out of all of them, James is probably the one who has taken the news the hardest. Just like he and Logan, James seems to be the closest to Carlos—the two boys are inseparable, and more times than not, are seen by each other's side. Kendall _is_ hurting, more than he is willing to let on, but he can only imagine how scared James must be.

"James," Logan suddenly blurts out, catching the attention of Kendall and Katie, but not that of the brunette's. "James," he tries again, and this time, James stops pacing, looks up and meets the smaller boy's eyes.

"What?" James asks in a monotone voice. Now that they have a better look at James' face, they all notice how tired he looks. His hair is a mess, which is very odd, considering how much he cares about the way he looks and how much he hates having disheveled hair.

"I know you're worried—we all are—but you need to take a seat and try to calm down. All this pacing isn't going to help you," he says softly, giving James a begging look. His words seem to be like a slap to the face to James, for his expression changes from an emotionless one, to one of a kicked puppy.

"My best f-friend just got hit by a car. A _car_. How do you expect me to react, Logan?" His tone is harsh, but at that moment, he doesn't seem to care. All he wants is to see Carlos, or for someone to at least tell them how he's doing. He's having trouble believing that his best friend is now in the hospital, when just hours before, he was lying safely on his bed, sound asleep.

At least, that's what he thinks.

"I'm sorry, but—"

"Family of Carlos Garcia?"

Logan's sentence is cut short as a doctor, who seems to be in his late thirties, walks up to them when they all stand up.

"You're here for Carlos Garcia?" he asks, and they all nod their head. "Is there an adult with you, one that is a relative of his?"

"No..." James says brokenly, feeling like he's about to cry. He looks to Kendall, silently begging him to think of something that will convince the doctor to tell them how Carlos is doing.

"I'm sorry, but if there's no one with you, I cannot provide any kind of information. Aren't you all minors?"

"I called my mom," Kendall says, in hopes that it'll convince him. "She was in Minnesota, but she said that she'd get the next available flight to get here. She's Carlos' surrogate mother... Can you please just tell us how he's doing? We're like his brothers... please."

The dirty blond looks like he's about to cry, and frankly, he is. He can feel the tears that have built up in his eyes, ready to fall at any second. He's scared, he is _so_ scared.

The doctor sighs but gives in when he sees just how broken they all seem. "I cannot give you too much information, but there is something you should know. Your friend is... not in a very good condition, and from the looks of it, it seems like him getting hit by a car, wasn't an accident."

"It wasn't...?" Kendall asks. "So they hit him on purpose?"

The man shakes his head and continues. "No, that's not what I meant. I mean, he walked in front of the car... on purpose."

All four of them seem to be frozen in their spots, the doctor's words not making any sense to them.

"I'm sorry, guys, I really am. I'll give you more information once your mother arrives," he says, turning to Kendall, "but until then, I can't give you much more." With that, he gives them a saddened look and walks away.

Slowly, Kendall turns to his right, to find Katie on the verge of tears. Logan is visibly shaking as he slowly moves to sit back down, his hands moving to cradle his head as he starts to cry, once he does.

He then turns to his left, where James is standing still, tears rolling down his face at a rapid pace. He whispers his best friend's name and moves an arm to wrap around his broad shoulders, but James flinches away and runs. Runs away from him, down the corridor, and out through the entrance of the hospital. Kendall's about to run after him when Logan stands up and stops him.

"I'll go," he says softly, "you stay here with Katie. She needs you." Kendall looks hesitant but nods and sits back down, watching Logan rush through the hospital's front doors.

"Come here," he says to Katie, pulling her against his chest and planting a kiss against her brown hair. "Everything's gonna be okay," he tells her, but it's like he's trying to convince himself more than her. He can feel Katie sobbing against his hold, her cries ringing in his ears, and he absolutely loathes it—her crying, James and Logan breaking down; all of it.

Feeling absolutely miserable and hopeless, he lets the tears fall, as he holds Katie close and tries to comfort her.

* * *

"James!" Logan's finding it hard to catch his breath after running around the hospital in the dark, trying to spot his taller friend. "James, where are you?!"

Sobbing is heard, and it's what leads him to where James is sitting, on a bench to the side of the hospital. He cautiously walks towards him and takes a seat beside him.

"Hey," he whispers, but James doesn't respond. "You don't have to talk, I don't expect you to. But please don't run away like that. I know you're scared, terrified even, but we all need to stick together right now. We need each other."

"W-Why...? W-Why him?" James cries, turning to Logan, eyes bloodshot and face damp with tears. "He's always so happy and trying to make everyone happy. Why would... How could... I don't understand..."

"Sometimes, those who try to make everybody happy, are the ones who are b-broken inside," Logan says, his voice breaking as tears once again fall from his eyes. He pulls James close, and James buries his face against the crook of Logan's neck, his tears dampening the smaller brunette's t-shirt. He never thought they'd be sitting here, crying over something like this, but they are, and the only thing Logan knows is that they have to be there for each other.

Through the good, the bad, and everything in between, they have to stick together, for each other _and_ for Carlos.

They sit in silence for a while, until James breaks it.

"W-What if he dies?" James whispers in a hoarse voice. "What if they can't s-save him?"

Logan is taken aback by the question but forces himself to think of something to say, something positive, even though he's been thinking the same thing since they were given the news.

"He won't," he says, pulling James closer. "He's not going to die. He's survived how many stunts? How many injuries? Carlos is strong—stronger than we give him credit for. He'll pull through... you'll see."

James looks up, the smallest of smiles forming on his face. "I hope so."

"He will," Logan reassures him and stands up, extending a hand for the younger boy to take. "We should get back to Kendall and Katie. Are you okay with that?"

James nods and takes Logan's hand. "Yeah," he says and pulls Logan into a hug once he's standing beside him.

"Thank you." He smiles and pulls away. "I just kind of lost my cool for a bit." He acts like he's okay, but Logan knows otherwise; knows that he's just trying to pull himself together, despite the ache in his chest. He knows, because he's doing the exact same thing.

Dreading what's to come, the two boys make their way to where Katie and Kendall are. And when they do get there, they pull each other into a four-way hug, doing their best to hold on to the little hope they have left.

* * *

**I almost cried while writing the part between Logan and James... What did you guys think? Did you like it? I hope you did. Thank you for reading. :)**

**BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	9. Chapter 8

**Finally got this chapter done. Hope you guys like it. :) Not much happens, really—it's kind of a filler chapter. But there will be more to come in the next one, I promise.**

* * *

"Mom!"

As soon as Mrs. Knight walks in through the hospital's front doors, Katie squirms away from Kendall's hold and runs to her, tears pooling in her eyes. Kendall can only watch as the ten-year-old breaks down, for the second time that night, in their mother's arms. It hurts seeing his baby sister like this, but he knows that there is nothing that he can do to take her pain away. The only thing that will take her pain away is knowing that Carlos will be okay.

Knowing that Carlos will be okay is what all of them need to hear.

"Boys, what happened?" Mrs. Knight asks as she takes a seat beside James, pulling Katie along with her. She looks from one boy to the other, but all she gets are blank stares. None of them know what to say. How can they tell her that Carlos is in the hospital because he got hit by a car, and that the "accident" doesn't seem to have been an accident in the slightest?

"We got called into the hospital a few hours ago," Kendall starts, not meeting his mother's worried eyes. "Carlos got hit by a car... We thought he was at home sleeping at the time."

"He was when I went to bed," James says as he keeps his eyes glued to his hands, which are resting on his lap. "But he wasn't. I guess he must've walked out of the apartment when we were sleeping, because none of us knew he was gone until we got the call."

"The doctor who's looking after him came up to us about an hour ago," Kendall continues, feeling nauseated at the thought of what he is about to say. "He didn't give us much information, but umm, he said something..."

Kendall's mother nods, patiently waiting for her son to continue. The blond can't help but wonder how it is that his mother is able to stay so calm in a time like this. Perhaps it is because of the countless accidents the boys have encountered throughout the years, both from hockey practice and reckless stunts. Out of the four, Carlos is the one who has had the most injuries. But Kendall knows that the next few words that are about to slip from his lips will change her state in an instant.

"Mom..." Kendall looks up at her, tears glistening in sad green orbs. "It wasn't an a-accident," he practically whispers, his voice breaking on the last word. "Carlos didn't... he didn't walk in front of the car by accident... He... intended to get hit."

The surrogate mother of three and mother of two sits still in shock, doing her best to process the information she has just received. Katie, who is sitting by her side, curled up against her, starts to shake with sobs.

"H-He... He what?"

"He walked in front of the car on purpose, Mrs. Knight," Logan says, his heart breaking at both the sight and the sound of Katie crying.

"Katie," James whispers as he gets up from his seat and reaches the smaller girl, enveloping her in a tight hug. "Shhh, it's okay. It's okay," he whispers in her ear, holding her close to his chest and allowing the little girl to bury her face against the crook of his neck. Turning to the others, he motions towards the hallway outside the waiting room. "We'll be back in a bit."

Kendall and Logan can only nod as they watch James leave with Katie in his arms. The smaller girl has her arms wrapped around his neck, her tears soaking the fabric of James' shirt.

"Mom... I'm sorry, mom," Kendall says quietly as he moves to take James' seat, wrapping his arms around his mother's shoulders and pulling her close.

"I-I can't believe this. I leave for a week and this happens. How could this have happened?"

"I don't know," Kendall mumbles, fighting back tears. "The doctor wouldn't give us any more information because we're underage and not family."

Mrs. Knight nods her head as she pulls away from Kendall and stands up, looking like she will fall over at any second. "I'm gonna go talk to the nurse and see what I can find out," she says, rubbing at her eyes to dry the tears that have managed to escape. She kisses both boys on the cheek and pulls them both into a hug. "Maybe you should go check on Katie and James... see that they're okay."

Kendall nods wordlessly and pulls Logan by the arm in the direction in which James has left with Katie.

"Kendall?" Logan asks as soon as they are out of earshot. He turns towards the dirty blond and places a hand on his shoulder. "You okay?"

"Fine," is the only thing that Kendall manages to choke out, turning away from Logan's worried gaze.

"Kendall, please don't lie to me," Logan says softly, feeling a pang of worry in his chest. "You're obviously not okay."

"Please just drop it, Logan. I don't... I don't want to talk about it right now."

Logan sighs, knowing that once Kendall has made up his mind about something, there is no convincing him otherwise. "Okay, I'll drop it, for now. But please don't do this to yourself."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"This," the brunet says, motioning around. "You can't just push me—us—away, when it is obvious that you need someone. Yes, we're all hurting right now. I know I am, so is James, Katie, your mom... but that doesn't mean that you aren't, too."

"I just don't know how to deal with any of this," Kendall mumbles, finally turning towards Logan, green eyes meeting brown. "I don't know what to think, what to feel, what to do. I have no control. I have _no control_ whatsoever—"

Not letting him finish, Logan wraps his arms around Kendall's neck, pulling him close. "None of us do," he whispers, tears dripping from his eyes. "This is out of everyone's control, but pushing everyone away when you need them the most is not going to help the situation."

"Can I tell you something...?" Kendall asks, pulling away and staring at the floor.

"Of course," Logan says, waiting for Kendall to continue.

"I feel guilty," the blond admits, his voice void of emotion. "I feel guilty because I could tell that something was wrong... I even questioned him about it, but he said he was fine, and I just let it slip. I shouldn't have, Logie. I should've—"

"Kendall," Logan says, interrupting him before he can go any further. "This isn't your fault, Kendall. We _all_ should've known something was up. We _all_ should've realized something was not okay. But beating ourselves up over it isn't going to help Carlos get better. You know that."

"I know... I'm just..."

"Scared?"

Kendall nods hesitantly, his gaze shifting from Logan to the wall behind him. "Yeah... scared."

"Me too." Logan sighs as he leans against the wall. "I think we all are. None of us saw this coming. I just... wish he would have said something, you know? I wish things had not gotten this bad. I wish this hadn't h-happened." Logan looks up at Kendall then, his eyes moist with tears. "I hate this, I'm sorry."

Kendall shakes his head and moves forward, only to stand beside Logan. He leans his head against the brunet's shoulder and stares forward, watching as people walk by.

"Don't be sorry," he says, taking ahold of Logan's hand and giving it a squeeze, not caring if they get any strange looks from anyone that walks by. "I guess we all kind of need to let some things out."

Logan nods his head and sighs. "I guess we should go check on James and Katie. I'm really worried about James right now, and Katie, too."

"Me too," Kendall says, his heart sinking, while his mind is filled with a mixture of sadness, guilt, worry, and anxiety. "Let's go."

* * *

**Sorry for the bad ending... I didn't really know how to end it, so I kind of just stopped it there. Hope it was okay. Thank you for reading!**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	10. Chapter 9

**Hey guys... This chapter is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to write. I'm not sure why. I've written things a lot darker than this, but... If you watched DWTS on Monday, you'll probably know why...**

**Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

"He's gonna be okay, you know," James says softly as he extends his arm forward and places his hand on Katie's shoulder. After having left the waiting room, James had headed in the direction of the cafeteria and bought Katie a plate of food, but she had yet to touch any of it. "Carlos is one of the strongest people I know, Katie. He'll be alright."

"Can you stop lying to me?" Even though the sentence is supposed to be a question, it sounds more like a demand to James, who can sense the bitterness in the younger girl's tone.

"I'm not lying to you."

"Carlos tried to _kill_ himself, James," Katie says with a glare directed in the brunet's direction. "Happy-go-lucky Carlos, who is always trying to make everyone happy, tried to end his life. What part of that sounds okay to you?"

"I never said it sounded okay. It's _not_ okay. I'm scared too, Katie, I'm terrified, but we have to have some faith in Carlos. Faith that he'll recover, both from the injuries the accident caused him, as well as whatever it is that caused him to do what he did."

Katie bites down on her lower lip, willing the tears that have began to blur her vision to go away. "I just want my older brother back," she says softly.

James is about to respond when he sees Kendall and Logan heading their way. "You'll get him back," he says sadly just as the two boys reach their destination.

"Hey," Logan says to James as he approaches him. "Can I sit down?"

James just nods in response, not saying a single word.

"Hey, baby sister." Kendall takes a seat in front of Logan, to Katie's left, and wraps an arm around her shoulders. He kisses the top of her head, his worry for the smaller girl intensifying when she doesn't respond, and instead turns around and hugs him tightly, burying her face against the boy's long-sleeved grey shirt.

Kendall turns to James, who only gives him a small sad smile.

"I'm scared, K-Kendall."

For once in what seems like forever, Kendall's throat closes up, and he has no idea what to say to make Katie feel better. No motivational speech, no words of comfort can protect her – or any of them – from the feeling of fear and worry that seems to have taken over their minds.

So instead of saying anything, he tightens his hold around her, despite wanting more than anything to say something that'll make her feel better.

"It's gonna be okay," he finally says, even though he knows that it will probably be a while until things are okay.

"Promise?"

Kendall lets out a shaky breath, tears prickling at his eyes, but through his foggy mind, he manages to whisper, "I promise, Katie."

He just hopes it's a promise he can keep.

* * *

Anorexia, possibly bulimia. Self-harm. Attempted suicide. James shouldn't be too surprised as the words slip from Mrs. Knight's lips, but it takes everything in him not to burst into tears right then and there.

James feels nauseous, disoriented, detached from reality, and he can't cope. "I gotta go," he says quietly and gets up from his seat, making his way out of the waiting room. He hears Logan and Kendall call his name, but he pays no attention to them. He can barely make out what they're saying through the thoughts that seem to be be taking full control of his mind. He just wants Carlos back. He can't live without one of his best friends. He can't live without Carlos.

"James!"

A hand is placed on his shoulder, and he turns around, only to be met by a pair of green eyes. "It's gonna be okay, James."

"Shut up."

"But James—"

"I said, shut up! As far as any of us know, Carlos could die! Carlos could die, and you know whose fault it's gonna be? It's gonna be _our_ fault, because we didn't pay attention – we didn't see the signs. If Carlos dies... if Carlos dies, I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't live without him, Kendall, I can't..."

"I can't either," Kendall whispers, "but we won't have to." He gently pushes James towards the wall and then down to sit on the floor, taking a seat beside him. "I know how you're feeling. I know that the thought of losing Carlos brings a terrifying feeling, and I think that right now, we're all scared and worried. Nothing like this has ever happened before... nothing this serious. And I'd be lying if I said that I haven't thought the same thing, because I have. But... but he'll be okay, James. And I know, trust me, I _know_ it's not what you want to hear right now. And I know that no matter how many times I say it, you probably won't believe me. It's okay if you want to cry, it's okay if you want to fall apart. But please... please just know that I'm here for you, and Logan's here for you, and we're all here for you, and it's gonna be alright."

"I know... It's just... It hurts s-so much. I-I want this to stop. I want him to be okay. I hate that I wasn't able to stop this from happening. Carlos shouldn't be sad, much less to the point in which he thinks that taking his own life and hurting himself is his only escape. C-Carlos always tries to make us happy – we should've been able to do the same for him. I wish he would've come to us..."

"Sometimes when people feel that way, it's not easy to admit it to anyone," Logan says as he reaches the two boys. He takes a seat in the other side of James and gives him a sad smile. "Sometimes it's hard for them to even admit that something's wrong, and they don't want to burden anyone with their problems."

"But... he wouldn't be burdening us. We're his best friends."

"I know... but sometimes your mind tricks you into thinking you are a burden when you're not, and I think that's why Carlos didn't come to us for help."

"I hate this so much," James mumbles, tears streaming down his cheeks, which he is quick to wipe away.

Kendall wraps an arm around his shoulders, resting his head on top of the brunet's. "I wish we could see him..."

"We will get to," Logan says softly, his eyes tearing up at the sight of Kendall and James huddled together. Despite being the youngest pair of the group of four, the two boys have always seemed invincible. Logan can't help but notice how right now, the two boys seem vulnerable and in need of comfort, and it breaks his heart. "Once the doctors think it's okay to see him, we will get to see him."

"How do you do it?" James suddenly asks.

Logan knits his eyebrows together in confusion, not sure of what James means by the question. "How do I do what?"

"Remain so... calm."

Logan's lips turn downwards into a frown, and the color drains from his face as he looks away. "I'm not," he whispers so softly that James and Kendall barely hear him.

"Logan..."

Logan ignores Kendall's voice, knowing that if he looks back at either of the two boys, he will most likely break down.

"Logie..."

"What?" He feels a hand wrap around his arm, and he has no choice but to turn around. James is looking at him with concern, and Kendall looks both worried and hurt, but he doesn't let go of Logan's arm.

"Come here," the dirty blond says softly, tugging on the boy's arm to pull him towards them. Logan looks hesitant, but he gives in after a few seconds and allows Kendall to pull him into a three-way hug along with James. It's all it takes for his walls to come crumbling down, dropping the façade that he's been wearing all along.

"We can't give up, guys," Kendall says softly. "I know we're all scared, and none of us have any idea of what's going to happen. Carlos isn't here right now, but I know that he'd want us to be here for each other. I love you guys so much..."

"I-I love you, too." Logan says brokenly, tears falling down his cheeks rapidly.

James tightens his hold around them both, not being able to speak through the continuous sobs shaking his body. "I lo-ove you guys, too," he mutters once his sobs subside and he is able to catch his breath. "So much..."

* * *

**So, yeah... Not that good of an ending, and this was kind of a filler chapter too, but... I hope it was okay.**

**Thank you for reading.**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	11. Chapter 10

**Hey guys. This chapter's not as long as I was hoping it would be, but I like how it turned out, so hopefully you will, too. :)**

* * *

"Maybe you boys should head home for a bit and take Katie with you, so that you can all get some proper rest. You all look exhausted," Mrs. Knight suggests as she stares at the three boys sitting to her right. Unlike Katie, who eventually cried herself to sleep, none of them had been able to. One of the reasons being that the chairs in the waiting room are way too uncomfortable, but the main reason being that the dread they're all feeling is self-consuming.

They all turn to her and shake their heads, immediately disagreeing with what she has said. "No way," Kendall says, "we're not leaving until we get to see Carlos."

"Honey, it could take a while until we actually get to see him, and you all need to get some rest."

"But mom... we can't."

"With all due respect, Mrs. Knight, I have to agree with Kendall," Logan says, sitting up from his chair and biting down on his bottom lip. "I know you're just looking out for us, but... we won't be able to get any sleep, knowing that Carlos is not okay."

"I know, sweetie, I'm just worried about you guys," she says softly, looking at each of the boys with concern in her eyes. She can't remember a time in which they all looked so exhausted and worn-out. It's evident how much Carlos' accident has affected them – she can see it clearly just by looking at them. She knows they're all hurting, and it breaks her heart into pieces. "At least go get something to eat, please?"

Kendall sighs and takes the ten dollar bill she's offering him. "Thanks mom, we will."

She gives him a small smile, which he barely manages to return. She watches as all three boys get up from their seats and walk out of the waiting room, in the direction of the cafeteria.

"You guys hungry?" Kendall asks, offering the two boys the ten dollar bill. "I'm not, so... if you want anything, you can get it."

James shakes his head and pushes Kendall's hand away. "I can't eat."

"James..." Logan says softly, a frown present on his face. "We've been here for almost five hours, we all need to eat something. You too, Kendall."

Kendall sighs and stuffs the money into his pants pocket as they continue walking, not saying anything in response. James and Logan follow closely behind, each of them lost in their own thoughts.

"I'm seriously not hungry, though," Kendall says quietly. He takes the money out of his pocket as they get in line and hands it to James. "Just get whatever you want for me. I'll go wait at a table." Before James can even reply, he has walked away from the two boys.

James turns to Logan, who's staring back at him. There's no need for words, to know what both of them are thinking. Their eyes hold more than enough emotion, and they know each other well enough, to be able to read each other without having to say a single word.

"Maybe we should just get something from the vending machine," Logan suggests, nodding towards a vending machine that is not too far away from them. Agreeing, James mutters an "okay" and begins walking in the direction of the vending machine.

Once they have gotten something for the three of them, they head towards the table where Kendall is waiting for them, and take a seat in front of him. The younger boy is sitting with his elbows resting against the table's surface, fingers tangled in between blond strands of hair.

"Here, we brought you something from the vending machine instead," Logan says and slides a bag of cookies in Kendall's direction.

"Thanks," he mutters but makes no move to grab it. He doesn't even turn to look at them. Logan turns to James, who has set his snack on the table as well, and is staring at Kendall solemnly. His eyes look so distant though, and Logan would be lying if he said that it doesn't scare him, because it does. He has never seen either of the two boys so broken and lost, though he's sure he's no better.

"Guys," he says softly, shifting his gaze from Kendall to James, "I know this whole situation sucks – in fact, the word 'sucks' doesn't even begin to cover it – but we must keep our heads up, for Los. He wouldn't want us to be beating ourselves up like this."

"It's hard not to." Kendall finally looks up, tears swimming in his green eyes. "How can we not beat ourselves up over this? How, Logan? Please tell me how, because... I don't know how to stop it."

Logan opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Kendall shakes his head and gets up. "I'm... I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

Beside him, James lets out a sob as he watches Kendall leave, no longer being able to hold back his tears. Logan turns to him and pulls him close as the taller brunet breaks down, tears falling down his face rapidly. They stay that way for a few minutes, until James has calmed down a bit. "It'll be okay. Come on, I wanna make sure he's okay, and I don't want to leave you here alone."

James nods and follows Logan, doing his best to brush away the tears that have managed to escape.

"Ken, are you in here?" Logan asks, pushing open the bathroom door, only to find that it's empty. "Kendall?"

"He's not in here." James shifts his weight from one foot to the other. "Where could he have gone?"

"I don't know," Logan practically whispers as they both walk out. "Maybe we should ask Mrs. Knight if she knows where he went."

Logan's about to make his way towards the waiting room, but James stops him before he can take a step in that direction. "I think we should try looking for him first, and then ask her, if we can't find him. I don't want to worry her if he's somewhere around here."

"Okay," Logan agrees, so they both go in one direction of the hallway, in search of their best friend.

* * *

Kendall isn't quite sure of what's taken over him, but all he wants in that moment is to see Carlos and to make sure he's okay. Despite telling James that things would be okay, the truth is, that that is something not even he believes. He's always been known for being the most optimistic of the four, but how can he be optimistic in a situation like this? It's pretty much impossible for him to remain optimistic, because every thought in his head is surrounded by fear and guilt.

So instead of heading in the direction of the bathroom, he starts wandering the hallways, not really sure of where he's headed, but he knows where he wants to be. It's just finding his destination that is the problem.

It's only after minutes of walking around, that he finds it.

He's not really sure how he ended up here, or how he even managed to find Carlos' room. But as a doctor walks out of the room, he quietly walks inside, making sure that no one is around to catch him, and then takes the few steps to the only bed in the room. He takes notice of the boy lying on the bed, skin pale, eyes closed, looking more dead than alive. All the tubes and machines around him only make him look even more lifeless and small than he already is.

Feeling his eyes well up with tears, he stands to one side of the bed and takes ahold of Carlos' hand. "Hey buddy... It's Kendall."

* * *

**So, that happened. What did you guys think? Like it? Hate it? I hope you liked it. Thank you for reading. :)**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	12. Chapter 11

**There's so much angst in this chapter, and James is kind of a jerk to Kendall towards the end, so you'll probably hate me for that, but... I hope you guys like it regardless of that. :)**

* * *

Being cautious of the tubes that are hooked up to Carlos' beaten body, Kendall kneels down on the right side of the bed and takes ahold of Carlos' hand in between both of his. He frowns when he feels no movement come from the older boy, even though he wasn't expecting him to move at all.

"We can't lose you, Los," he whispers, even though he knows that Carlos can't hear him. He has heard that patients who are unconscious are able to listen to what's going on around them, though, so he hopes that somehow, Carlos will be able to listen to what he has to say. "We all need you. Logan, James, mom, Katie, your mom and dad... I need you. I need you more than you will ever know. I know you may think that you're not important, or that you don't matter, or that our lives would be better off if you weren't in them, but that is simply not true. You mean so much to all of us, so much more than we are able to express with words."

He takes in a breath and gently lifts Carlos' hand so that it is merely inches away from his lips. He can feel tears gathering in his eyes, and he can feel them blurring his vision, but he refuses to let them fall. "I don't think you realize how much of an impact you have in other people's lives. You're the one who can always cheer me up when I'm down. That's something that I love about you... You spread love and positivity wherever you go. You're always able to turn awful situations into good ones. Even in the darkest of days, you can make my day better with your silly antics, with a simple smile, simply by being yourself. Not many people are able to do that, but you do, and not just for me, but for many other people as well."

With sorrow-filled eyes, he stares at the boy he has known for ten years now, and feels an overwhelming feeling of emotions take over him. He feels sick to his stomach, and he suddenly finds it hard to breathe. It's scary having to watch Carlos be so still. Anyone who knows Carlos, knows that he is never still. The smaller boy is always filled with so much energy, which is the complete opposite of how he is now.

As he stares at Carlos' still body, he realizes that it has been a while since he has seen the giddy, enthusiastic side of Carlos. It's been a while since he has seen the childish sparkle in those chocolate brown eyes of his, and he misses it. He wants Carlos back – he wants his older brother back. He can't stand the thought of losing him; of never seeing his smile again, or never hearing him laugh again.

His heart hurts, and it feels like it's broken. It's killing him.

"I should go," he whispers softly, kissing Carlos' knuckles and tightening his hold on his hand. "I shouldn't be here right now, but I really needed to see you. I promise you I'll be back... I love you." He lets go of Carlos' hand and stands up. He takes one last look at the unconscious boy, who looks too small for the bed he is lying on, and then turns around. He makes sure there is no one around, before walking out of the room and rushing towards the waiting room.

* * *

"Kendall! There you are! We've been looking for you everywhere!" Logan says, stopping Kendall in the middle of the hallway before he can reach the waiting room. Kendall freezes in his spot and looks down at the ground, a guilty look plastered on his face. He didn't mean to make him worry – he just wanted to see Carlos, he _needed_ to.

"I know, I'm sorry," he says as he looks up to meet Logan's worried brown eyes. "Where's James?"

"I sent him to look for you somewhere else. We were about to ask Mama Knight if she had seen you. Where were you?"

"Oh, you know... just walking around. I needed to get my mind off things, I guess," he replies, leaving out the part about getting to see Carlos. It was technically not a lie; he _had_ been walking around.

"Kendall..." Logan begins as he takes a step forward and places his hand on the taller boy's shoulder. The blond turns his attention back to the ground, refusing to meet Logan's eyes. He knows that if he looks into them, he'll see nothing but pain and concern. He can sense it just by the tone of his voice. "We're worried about you, Kendall."

"Why?"

Logan sighs, removes his hand from Kendall's shoulder, and lets his arm hang by his side. "Because you're not acting like yourself."

That one sentence makes something in Kendall break. He feels everything around him start to collapse, and suddenly the emotions he has been trying to hide, come pouring out in a mix of words and tears.

"You know what? You're right, I'm not... But neither is James, and neither are you. But this isn't just some everyday obstacle we're dealing with. Carlos' life is on the line, so I don't see how any of us could be ourselves right now."

"Kendall, that's not what I meant..."

"Then what _did_ you mean?"

Logan opens his mouth to speak, but closes it when he realizes that Kendall's right. "I'm just worried."

Kendall's face softens. Silently, he tugs Logan forward and wraps his arms around the older boy's torso, pulling him close. He hears a soft sigh slip past Logan's lips as he rests his head on Kendall's shoulder and closes his eyes, tears starting to roll down his cheeks at a slow pace.

"I think I'm just tired."

"I know, me too."

"I'm scared, Kendall... I'm so scared."

Closing his eyes, Kendall lets his head rest against Logan's shoulder as well, his hold on the shorter boy tightening. "I know, Logie," he whispers, no longer being able to suppress the tears. "I'm scared, too. I wish—"

"Kendall?"

The blond stops in mid-sentence when he feels a hand rest on his shoulder. Logan, who has already caught sight of the brunet behind him, slowly lets go of the younger boy and does his best to wipe away the tears smearing his cheeks.

As he turns around, Kendall barely has the time to register that it is James who is standing in front of him, before he is once again wrapped in a hug. "Don't ever go wandering off like that. I was worried sick about you."

Hesitantly, Kendall hugs James back, feeling comforted by the feeling of having James' arms around him.

That's the thing about them – they all somehow make each other feel better when things are bad, in their own way. Kendall is good with pep-talks; he's good at keeping the other boys motivated when they feel discouraged, and can come up with a good speech in a matter of seconds. Logan's the one who keeps them grounded – he is often the one to knock some sense into the other three when Kendall's schemes get them into trouble. James is often seen as the comforter, and as the one the other boys go to when they simply need to be reassured that everything will be okay. And Carlos is the one who is always able to put a smile on anyone's face – if one of them is feeling down, they know that he can make them feel better, sometimes without even trying.

But with one of their own missing, they're all incomplete. It's kind of like a domino effect; if one of them falls down, then they all go down with him. They aren't able to function without each other – they're not sure how to, and they don't want to – which is one of the reasons that the thought of losing Carlos terrifies them. They wouldn't just lose a friend; they would lose a best friend, a brother, and most likely lose themselves in the process of trying to cope with it all.

"I won't, I promise," Kendall whispers back, his voice muffled by the fabric of James' shirt. "But... promise me one thing... both of you?"

"Anything," James says softly.

"Promise me that... even if... even if Carlos d-dies, we'll stick together?"

"Kendall..."

"Please... I just... I need to know, I'm sorry."

Seeing the look of complete terror in Logan's face, James gestures for him to move forward, and once he does, he hugs him as well. "We're not going to lose him, but if it helps, then yes... I promise."

"Logan?"

Logan's as white as a sheet, and he can't even find the words to speak. He feels panic take over him, and he can't breathe. He doesn't even acknowledge Kendall's voice when he calls his name. Everything's muffled and nothing makes sense, and he feels like he has been left with no air in his lungs.

It is then that Kendall realizes what's happening and detaches himself from James' hold. "Logan, breathe. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Logie, it's okay, you're okay. You need to breathe."

"I... I c-can't."

Being cautious not to startle Logan any more than he already is, James takes ahold of his shoulders and gently lowers him to the ground. "Logan, it's okay, you don't need to promise anything, but you're panicking. You need to breathe, okay? It's all gonna be okay."

It takes minutes of coaxing, but Logan is finally able to calm down. Feeling guilty for sending him into a panic attack, Kendall wraps his arms around him and buries his face against the crook of Logan's neck. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I just..."

"Of course you didn't mean to," James says bitterly.

Taken aback by the older boy's tone of voice, Kendall lets go of Logan as he feels tears once again begin to well up in his eyes. "I didn't..."

"I think you've done enough, Kendall." James doesn't mean to sound as harsh as he does, but he's tired and upset, and seeing Logan go into a panic attack because of what Kendall had said, certainly did not help.

Kendall doesn't say anything in response. Instead, he scoots away from the two boys and pulls his knees up to his chest. All he can do is stare forward as tears cascade down his face, feeling his whole world deteriorate more and more with each passing second.

* * *

**I AM SAD. That last part with Kendall broke my heart. I hate myself for writing that whole scene... Anyway, thank you for reading. I hope you guys liked it. :)**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	13. Chapter 12

**I hope you all like this chapter. Logan isn't on it much, but James and Kendall are. I'm hoping to have Logan more on the next one, though. I hope you enjoy. :)**

* * *

_"I think you've done enough, Kendall."_

James' words repeat themselves like a broken tape recorder in Kendall's mind, making him get even more upset at himself with each minute that passes by. He regrets what he said – regrets even opening his mouth, and wishes that he could take it back. He should've been more cautious, but ever since they had gotten the news about Carlos' accident – if he can even call it that – nothing in his mind has made sense. He feels detached; like he isn't in control of his thoughts or of his actions, and it is driving him nuts.

"Kendall?"

The blond jumps at the voice, having been lost in his own thoughts, and turns around, only to realize that Logan is staring at him, and James is nowhere to be seen. He hums in response and looks down, hoping that if he doesn't look Logan in the eye, he will not see the sadness that is in his own eyes.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he mutters, even though he knows it's a lie. Tears that he has yet to shed burn at his eyes and blur his vision, but he doesn't want Logan – or anyone else for that matter – to see him cry. He hates crying, especially in front of others.

"No, you're not."

He sighs, turns to Logan and frowns. "It's not like it matters right now. James probably hates me, and you probably do, too. And I honestly don't blame you. I shouldn't have said what I did. I should've known it wouldn't do any of us any good. I just..."

Logan places a hand on his shoulder and tugs him towards him. "I don't hate you. I could never hate you, and neither does James. You know how he is – he often lets his emotions control what he says and does. I think he was just worried, and was trying to put the blame on someone. He didn't mean what he said, Kendall, you know that."

"I guess... Where is he, by the way? I didn't hear him leave."

"He said he was going to go outside for a bit. I think he needs some time to himself."

"I need to talk to him."

Before Logan can protest, the blond has already stood up. Logan follows his actions and grabs ahold of his arm, trying to stop him from leaving, but Kendall is stubborn, and he knows that. Once he has made up his mind about something, there is no stopping him.

"Kendall, I don't think you should—"

"I just need to talk to him, okay?" Kendall turns to him, eyes pleading, begging him to let him go. He could very easily push him back and walk away, but Logan knows that he would never do that to him.

"Okay, just... be careful with what you say. Don't make him any angrier."

"I won't," Kendall promises, and it's not until then that Logan releases his grip on him and lets him go.

Kendall walks away from the brunet, his eyes cast towards the floor. He stuffs his hands into his jeans pockets as he walks, and tries not to look up. There are people everywhere, and all of them have sadness written across every feature on their faces, and he hates it. This is the reason he hates hospitals so much. They're not happy places, and if it was up to him, he would never step a foot into a hospital ever again. The only happy time he was in one, was when Katie was born, but aside from that, hospitals hold bad memories for him, one of them being when his father passed away.

Perhaps that's the real reason he hates them – his father died in one, so now, being in a hospital reminds him of that, as much as he wishes it wouldn't.

He walks towards the hospital entrance and walks through the automatic doors as they open. The cool breeze greets him as soon as he steps foot outside. He searches for James, but doesn't see him anywhere. He doesn't really know where to look, but he knows that he couldn't have gone far.

He walks aimlessly for what feels like hours but is really only minutes, and he has yet to find the taller brunet. No longer knowing where to look, he walks towards their car, which isn't parked too far away from the hospital entrance, and that's where he finds James. The older boy is sitting on the driver's seat, head leaning against the steering wheel. Even though the door is closed, Kendall can see James' shoulders shaking through the transparent window. His heart breaks as he takes in the sight in front of him.

Hesitantly, he walks towards the other side of the car and pulls the door open, startling James as he makes his presence known.

"What are you doing here?" James asks, his tone bitter, eyes reflecting anger and sadness all at once.

Kendall takes a seat in the passenger's side and turns to James, doing his best to hold back the tears that come to his eyes when he hears the brunet's tone. "I came to apologize," he says softly. "I shouldn't have said what I did, and I'm sorry."

"You should be. You caused Logan to have a panic attack. You scared him. Next time, you should think before you speak."

"Like you're doing now?" Kendall wants to say something else – he wants to yell at James and take his anger out on him – but he refuses to do so. "He's not the only one who's scared, James. I'm fucking terrified, and so are you. But the truth is, none of us know what's going to happen. I'd love to tell you that Carlos is going to make it, and that he is going to get better, but... I just don't know anymore. And I know that I sound l-like a jerk right now, but you're not the one who saw him lying on that hospital bed, looking so... lifeless."

"You _what_?"

Kendall stays silent, realizing what he has said. He wasn't even planning to tell James that he had seen Carlos, it had just slipped. "Nothing..."

"What do you mean you _saw_ Carlos?"

"N-Nothing."

"Kendall, damn it, just tell me."

"I... I might have found Carlos' room earlier, and walked in when no one was looking..."

"Kendall—"

"No, I know what you're going to say. I know I shouldn't have done that. I know it was a stupid thing to do, but the waiting was killing me. I _needed_ to see him, James. I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't help him, and I feel so helpless and useless right now. I just want this all to end. I want Carlos to be okay, and I'm so scared that he won't be. I'm so scared that we'll lose him. That's why I asked you guys to promise me that even if he were to d-die, we'd stick together. I can't bear losing more than one of my best friends... I can't even bear losing one of you... I should've known. I should have known something was wrong..."

"Kendall," James says softly, all traces of anger now gone from his voice. "Kendall, you need to listen to me, okay? Please, just listen."

Kendall doesn't turn to look at James, but he does stop talking and tries to calm down his breathing, which is now coming out in desperate gasps for air.

"I'm sorry, Kendall. I'm sorry because I overreacted. I know you're scared – I know we're all scared, and I guess I let it all get to me. I shouldn't have been mad at you. I know you'd never do anything to upset Logan, or any of us for that matter. But you need to realize that the blame right now rests on all of us. We all should have known that something wasn't quite right. We could have all done something to prevent this from happening. But blaming ourselves isn't going to make things better, and blaming each other is pretty stupid as well, and I guess I'm starting to realize that. Carlos wouldn't want us to blame each other."

"I can't help it. I have no one else to blame, and knowing I wasn't there for him when he needed me is making me feel like such a bad friend. He was hurting so much, and I couldn't help him, James. I could have if he would've come to me. I wish he would've."

"Me too." James sighs as he leans his head against the back of his seat. He has never been good at comforting others, especially when he's hurting as well. But the look in Kendall's eyes is full of sadness and despair, and even though he's hurting, he knows that Kendall is too. "It's going to be okay."

"I don't know."

"Weren't you the one who told me that earlier?"

"I know... I'm such a hypocrite. I guess the reality of everything finally got to me, and I'm having a hard time thinking straight. I just don't know anymore... I don't know what to think."

"What do you think Carlos would say if he was here?" James asks him, turning his head to the side to look at the younger boy.

Kendall turns to him with a confused expression and shrugs his shoulders. "He'd probably tell us how stupid we all are for pushing each other away, and tell us to think nice, happy thoughts about kittens, or something along those lines. He wouldn't want us to fight or to see us sad. But... how can we not be sad? Our best friend could—"

"Yes, he could die," James says, cutting him off. "It's true, but he could also live, he could get better. I know that it's hard to see the light in a situation like this, because what's happened is awful, but we'll get through it. All of us will, and by that I mean Carlos as well. We can't think negatively. If we do, it will destroy us."

"I think it's already too late for that..."

"No, it's not. We _are_ going to get through this, one way or another, together. We will, you need to trust me on this."

"I do trust you. It's just..."

"Hard?" James asks, finishing the sentence for him. Kendall nods, wiping the tears away from his face. "I know it's hard, but we will. We have each other, and right now, that'll help us more than you think."

"I hope so," Kendall says quietly. He turns to James then, his expression unreadable. "Are you still mad at me?"

"No, I'm not mad at you. I don't think I was ever mad at you. I was just mad at everything," he says as he opens his door and walks out. Confused, Kendall does the same, but before he can walk to the other side of the car, James is by his side, his eyes full of regret. "Can I have a hug?" he asks, extending his arms towards the shorter boy.

Kendall doesn't respond as he takes a step towards James and crashes into him, their arms tightening around each other.

"I'm sorry I was such a jerk to you. I love you, Ken."

"I love you too, and it's okay," Kendall whispers, smiling softly as his arms tighten around James. He needed this. Little does he know that James needed it as well.

* * *

**I'm not sure if I'll be able to update anything else, or put anything else up before Christmas, so in case I don't, I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas. And if you don't celebrate Christmas, then I still hope you have a great day on Friday, as well as the rest of the week. :)**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	14. Chapter 13

**Hey guys. :) I planned to have this up sooner, but I had a bit of trouble with this chapter, so it took me a while to get it done. I hope you enjoy. :)**

* * *

As he waits for Kendall and James to return, Logan paces back and forth nervously, trying to rid his mind of the accumulation of thoughts that seem to be running through his mind in a jumbled up mess. His attempts, however, are futile, as that only seems to make it worse. He has always been a worrier, and as much as he tries not to, he tends to worry about the littlest things – something that the guys often tease him for. The problem is that the situation they are in now isn't just a little thing. He wishes that it was just a small problem – something that could be fixed easily, but it's not.

Carlos is his best friend – his older brother, yet is often referred to as the goofiest and most childlike of the four best friends. He's the one who picks everyone else up when they're down, and always manages to make them smile, even in the toughest of situations. He's like a ball of sunshine and happiness, and as hard as he tries, Logan can't imagine a world without him.

That's the thing about meeting someone and forming a close connection with them. Even though at one point he didn't have Carlos in his life, going on without him would surely break him and the other boys. Ever since he met them in third grade, they had all become so close that it was rare to see them apart. Where one went, the other three followed.

Their friendship is something special, something nobody can take away from them. And it makes Logan sick to his stomach knowing that all of that could be gone if Carlos doesn't make it through this. The thought terrifies him, leaves him feeling hopeless, and makes him want to disappear off the face of the earth forever. If he can't have Carlos in his life, then he doesn't want to keep going. He doesn't want to be there to see the aftermath of it all.

"Logan? Logan, are you listening?"

Startled, Logan stops pacing and looks up into the warm blue eyes that belong to Mrs. Knight. He forces a smile to form on his face and blushes under her gaze. "Sorry Mrs. Knight, I didn't hear you."

"It's okay, sweetheart," she says softly as she places a hand on his shoulder. He flinches at the contact and looks at her with guilt when she pulls away. "Carlos' parents just called. They should be arriving soon. Do you know where Kendall and James are?"

He nods, taking notice of the dark circles under her eyes, and the way she looks so fragile, it seems like she could collapse at any second. "Yeah, they umm... went outside. James wasn't feeling too well, so I guess he needed some time to cool off, and Kendall went after him a little while ago. They should be back soon."

"Is James okay? Maybe I should go check on them—"

"He's okay, just frustrated with everything," he says. He stops before adding, "He's taking this whole thing pretty hard, even though he likes to act like he isn't."

"I know. Everyone is taking it pretty hard. How are you doing?"

Logan shrugs his shoulders and looks down at the floor, not wanting to look her in the eyes as he thinks about how he's really doing. "I've been better," he says quietly, doing his best to seem okay so that she doesn't worry. "I'm just afraid, I guess."

She gives him a sympathetic look before pulling him into a hug, something he didn't know he needed until he found himself in her arms. "I know it's scary. You boys have never had to be put in a situation like this one. But Carlos is one of the strongest people I know, and I am sure that he's going to make it through this. He loves you boys so much. He wouldn't give up on you."

Logan pulls away, tears blurring his vision as he looks her in the eye. "He tried to kill himself," Logan manages to say. "He did try to give up on us."

"Honey, no." The woman sighs as she looks at the 16-year-old, taking his face in between her hands and drying the tears that are now running down his cheeks. "Carlos loves all three of you very much. I know that right now, it may seem like he tried to give up on you, and you may not understand this, but I'm sure that that was not his intention when he did what he did. He was not in a good state of mind, and he did not try to kill himself because he was trying to give up on you. I can assure you of that."

"Then w-why?" Logan finds himself asking. It is the one question that won't leave him alone. He wants answers, and he wants them now.

"Unfortunately, that is something only Carlos will be able to tell you when he wakes up."

"If..."

"What?" Mrs. Knight asks, staring at him with confusion.

"You said, 'when he wakes up.' What _if_ he doesn't? What happens then?"

"Logan, that's not going to happen—"

"But what if it does? What if we lose him? Things won't be the same again, nothing will be the same again. It's always been all four of us, ever since I moved here. He's my best friend. I can't lose him. As much as he can be a nuisance at times, I love him... and going on without him just wouldn't feel right. A piece of me would be missing..."

"Look, honey, I know you're scared, and that there is a possibility that that could happen. But we must have faith, we must not give up on him so easily, because as hopeless as things may seem right now, it doesn't mean that they actually are."

Logan nods wordlessly, wanting to believe her, but he finds it hard to do so. "When can we see him?" he asks after seconds of silence pass by. "I really want to see him. I need to make sure he's okay... as okay as he can be, I mean."

"Not yet, but I'm sure that we will be able to see him soon. But for now, just know that he is in good hands, and that the doctors are doing everything they can to make sure that he stays alive."

"Thank you, Mama Knight," Logan quietly says. "You should get back to Katie. I don't think she should be left alone right now."

"I will, but I'd rather you boys join us once Kendall and James get back."

"We will," the brunet says reassuringly. "If they don't get back soon, I'll go get them."

She gives him one last hug, and then he watches her leave. Soon after, he sees Kendall and James enter the hospital and head in his direction.

"Hey, Logie," Kendall says softly, pulling him into a one-arm hug. "Sorry for taking so long."

"Are you guys okay? You both look awful."

"You don't look too good yourself, buddy," Kendall says as he looks him up and down, worry clouding his features. "Did something happen while we were gone?"

Logan shakes his head as he leans against the wall, his head lolling to the side. "Nothing happened, I was just talking to your mom, that's all. She said Carlos' parents should be here soon."

"I can't imagine how they're going to take all of this. He's their only child."

"Will you stop doing that? Didn't we just talk about this?"

"Stop doing what?" Kendall asks in confusion.

"You make it sound like he's already dead, or like he's bound to die. I don't want to think like that anymore. Please."

"I'm sorry..."

"Guys, can we not argue, please?" Logan asks the two younger boys, who stare back at him with guilty looks. He then turns to Kendall, nudging him on the arm. "We should get back to where your mom is, Kendall. She's worried about all of us."

"Okay." The blond doesn't say anything else as he turns around – not even looking back to see if James and Logan are following him – and heads in the direction of where his mom and Katie are.

"Is it just me, or is he acting really weird?" Logan whispers to James, who shrugs his shoulders in response.

"He's Kendall," James says simply. "Unpredictable and too stubborn for his own good."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means what it means... Come on, we should go."

Logan follows close behind once James turns around to leave, not being able to shake off the feeling that the two boys are hiding something from him.

* * *

**That was not the best place to end the chapter, but I didn't really want to add anything else to it, so I chose to end it there. I would love to know what you're all thinking of the story so far. I hope you're all liking it... Thank you for reading. :)**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	15. Chapter 14

**Hey guys. I'm really sorry for having this up so late. I meant to update this weeks ago, but I just haven't had much time to write, plus I had a bit of writer's block, so that really sucked. I hope you all like this chapter, even though not much happens in it. I'll try to have the next one up sooner, and hopefully, it will be better than this one. Enjoy.**

* * *

_Pain is inevitable; no matter how hard you try to run from it, you can't escape it. Kendall knows this – he has had his fair share of painful moments throughout his life, but none like the one he is currently in._

_The sadness envelops him, suffocating him, leaving him breathless – making him feel like he's in some kind of endless maze, with no way of escape. There's a part of him that wants to scream and run away, because he doesn't know how to face the reality that he's in. But there's also a part of him that simply wants to fall to his knees and burst into tears. He feels like a ghost, simply floating on through life. He has felt like that for days, but now more than ever._

_"H-How do you say goodbye to someone who means so much to you?" Logan asks, his voice shaking as he turns to face Kendall. His eyes are glassy with tears he has yet to shed, and his hands, which are hanging by his side, are trembling quite forcefully._

_Kendall swallows the lump that has grown in his throat and sighs, shutting his eyes for a second to suppress the tears he knows are waiting to fall. "I don't know. I just... I don't know, Logan." He stumbles over his own words, cursing at himself mentally for appearing to be so weak. He had tried so hard to prepare himself, in case something like this were to happen, but it was useless. After all, how can someone prepare themselves for the loss of a friend – and not only a friend, but a best friend they all considered to be a brother?_

_For the first time ever, he has no answers. He knows that nothing he says will be able to make Logan's pain fade away. Nothing anyone says will be able to make anything better. Only one person can make it all go away, and that one person isn't there anymore. He's gone, and no amount of tears will ever bring him back._

This is all your fault._ That one sentence echoes in his mind time and time again, and he can't seem to make it go away. It doesn't help that James is standing just a few feet away, glaring daggers in his direction. He can't help but wonder if the older boy blames him for Carlos' death. He already blames himself, and the guilt is eating him alive._

_Kendall's the leader of their tight-knit little group – he's the glue that keeps them all together and that prevents them all from falling apart whenever they are faced with a tough situation. He's the one who is expected – at least in his eyes – to look out for the others. But by failing to notice how much Carlos was hurting, he has not only failed him, but James and Logan as well, and for that, he hates himself more than ever before._

_Minutes tick by, but to him everything seems to be going in slow motion. He has trouble making out what's real and what isn't, because everything's a blur in his eyes._

_He presses the palms of his hands to his face as the casket that is carrying Carlos' body is slowly lowered into the six-foot hole on the ground. He feels the tears begin to flood down his face. Beside him, he hears Logan start to cry._

_"No!" James' cry rings in his ears, making him jump in surprise as he watches the brunet sprint towards the casket. He doesn't even realize he has started moving, until he's holding onto James, who is crying into his suit, feebly hitting him in an attempt to escape. "Let me go! P-Please just let me g-go."_

_And in that moment, he wishes that his and Carlos' roles could be reversed, because he feels like he deserves to be the one buried six feet underground._

* * *

"Kendall?"

Started by Logan's voice, Kendall jolts awake and turns to face the brunet, who is sitting to his left. He hadn't meant to fall asleep, but he was exhausted from barely having slept the night before.

"Hey, are you okay? You're crying," Logan questions worriedly. Kendall looks like a wreck, both emotionally and physically, and he's worried he'll send himself spiraling out of control like he always does when faced with an extremely difficult situation.

"I'm... I'm fine." The blond starts to wipe away his tears, which he hadn't even noticed were even there to begin with. He tries to stand up and walk away from the brunet, but Logan follows his actions and grabs him by the shoulder, stopping him in his tracks.

"Will you please stop lying to me? I'd rather you tell me you're not okay, than have you bottle it up until it becomes too much. You think I don't know you tend to do that?"

"He hates me, Logan..."

"What? What are you talking about? Who hates you?" Logan asks as he guides Kendall to sit back down. He's thankful that they're sitting quite a few feet away from Mrs. Knight and Katie, since they won't be able to hear what Kendall has to say. He briefly takes in his surroundings and realizes that James is nowhere to be seen, even though he had said he'd be right behind him.

"J-James. James hates me."

"Ken... James does not hate you. Why would you think that? You're one of his best friends. He could never."

"He's been snapping at me and getting mad at me, because apparently, I fuck everything up. I know it's my fault. I know it's my fault Carlos is in the hospital, it's my fault for not helping him sooner, it's all my fault. And damn it, if he d-dies, I don't think I will be able to live with myself. I can't... I can't live with the guilt."

"Kendall, you need to calm down – you're panicking, you're overthinking everything. You can't blame yourself for this. If you do, it will destroy you mentally. I know you like to think you're some kind of superhero, who has to look out for everyone, but you're not, Kendall. You're only human, like me, like James... like Carlos. I know you feel guilty, and I know that nothing I say will be able to make things better, but please just listen to what I have to say, okay?"

The dirty blond nods his head, not looking Logan in the eye, because he doesn't want him to see the pools of tears that have built up once more.

"We can sit here and blame ourselves and each other, or we can stick together and choose to be there for one another. We can't let this break us apart. You know James loves you, and you know I love you, and Carlos loves you, and no one blames you for what happened, except yourself. James is upset – he doesn't know how to deal with what's happened, as I'm sure none of us do. Of course, that doesn't make it okay for him to take his anger out on you. I'll talk to him, okay? I'll knock some sense into him if I have to, but know that he does not blame you for anything, and he certainly does not hate you."

"He's right, you know. I don't hate you."

James walks towards them, taking the seat to Kendall's right. The younger boy, however, refuses to look in his direction.

"I know I've been acting like a jerk. I'm a hypocrite. I tell you that everything's okay between us, and then I get upset at you again, but the truth is... I'm not upset at you, Kendall. I'm just so... mad at myself, because I don't know who else to be mad at, and I guess, for some stupid reason, I decided to take that anger out on you. I just don't want to think about what might happen... I don't want to think negatively; I want to look on the bright side of things."

"You can't always do that, James... Not when something like this happens," Kendall mumbles without looking up. "I'm sorry if it seems like I'm being really negative about this whole situation, but I honestly... don't know what else to think. My mind's a mess right now."

"So is mine." James sighs and reaches for Kendall's hand, tightening his hold around it. "And yeah, I know that I need to face the reality of it all, but... we need to keep our heads up, too. We need to have hope – hope that things will get better. And, Logan's right." He looks up at Logan, who is looking back at him with a look full of sorrow. "In order to do that, we gotta be there for each other, no matter what happens."

"I know... I just... I kind of f-feel like this is all my fault somehow. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be thinking that way, but it's like my brain won't shut up."

"I know how you feel," James says softly as he wraps his arm around Kendall's shoulders, signaling with his other arm for Logan to join them. As soon as he does, he pulls him into the hug as well. "But we need to stop blaming ourselves, no matter how hard it may be. We gotta try, at least. We don't even know why he did it – what caused him to think about ending his own life. And I know it's hard... It's far from easy, but that's why we have each other; to lean on when things get hard. After all, isn't that what friends are for?"

* * *

**So, just a question I have for you guys... Are you all liking how the story's turning out? I kind of feel like it's going too slowly, so I'm worried about that. I would really appreciate it if you let me know if you like how it's turning out or not. And if you don't, any tips on how I can improve it? Or is there anything you'd like to see more of?**

**Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed!**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	16. Chapter 15

**Hey guys. So, this chapter isn't very long, but this is an idea that I had, and I wanted to incorporate it into the story somehow, and I felt like this was the right place for it. This chapter is mainly Jagan bromance. I was gonna include Kendall in this as well, but I decided against it. He should be in the next chapter, though. By the way, t****rigger warning for mentions of self-harm and suicidal thoughts.**

**Enjoy. :)**

* * *

"Hey."

James looks up as someone takes a seat next to him on the bench he is sitting on, relieved to find that it's just Logan.

"Hey," he says quietly as he looks back down. "Why are you out here?"

"Well, I disappeared for only a minute, and when I came back, Kendall said that you were out here, so I decided to join you. Also, I wanted to ask you a question. Hopefully you won't mind."

James lifts his head and stares at his smaller friend, curiosity getting the best of him. "What did you wanna ask me?" he asks, his voice surprisingly steady, despite the wave of nausea that drapes over him. He has a feeling that whatever it is that Logan is about to ask him, is not something he'll want to answer.

"Earlier when we were talking to Kendall, you mentioned that you were mad at yourself, because of what happened to Carlos. And I just... wanted to know why that is? Why are you mad at yourself? Out of the three of us, you seem to be the one who is taking this harder than anyone. And I understand that, because even though we're all best friends, you guys have always been extremely close, just like I am with Kendall. But, you keep saying we shouldn't blame ourselves or each other, so why are you?"

James sighs, his eyes filling with an emotion Logan doesn't quite recognize. "It's a long story, Logan. A long and complicated story, that I'd rather forget about."

"You can trust me, you know. It's fine if you don't want to tell me, I won't force it out of you. But right now, it seems like you need someone. I may not be able to make the pain go away, but I _can_ listen."

James looks hesitant for a few seconds, as he debates whether or not he should tell Logan about this dark secret. A secret he has bottled up for years, which he had promised himself to not tell anyone about. He's afraid of his reaction; afraid he'll react in a negative manner, or will be upset for not telling him sooner.

"I'll tell you, but only if you promise to not be mad. I don't think I can handle anyone being mad at me right now..."

"James, look at me," Logan says as he reaches for James' arm, earning his attention. "I won't be mad at you. Whatever it is, you can trust me, I promise."

The taller brunet nods and takes a deep breath, his eyes moving to his lap. "A few years ago, when we were around thirteen, things were really bad. I'm sure you remember this, but my dad wasn't around – not all the time, at least. It was around the time when I would spend the weekdays with my mom, and the weekends with my dad. It was tiring... I felt like a yo-yo as I was dragged from one house to the other, sometimes even against my will. You see, I didn't really feel like a person anymore... I felt like a possession, but they didn't seem to get that. They didn't see how much it was hurting me."

"Parents can be such jerks," Logan mutters under his breath.

James nods his head. "That's not even the worst of it," he mumbles. "I was stressed beyond belief. Everything around me seemed to be falling apart. My grades were slipping, the bond between my mom and dad seemed to be becoming smaller and smaller. Everything was so horrible... It was all becoming too much."

Logan had an idea of where this story was headed, but he didn't say anything, in hopes that he was wrong. He didn't want to be right.

"So... one day, I had had enough. School had been hell that day – one of the teachers had humiliated me and yelled at me in front of the whole class, because I had failed to finish an essay. I felt like such a failure. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone, especially my parents. My best wasn't enough. Nothing was enough. So that day... I went home, and I... I c-cut for the first time." He shields his face with his hands, trying to stop the tears that have welled up in his eyes. "And after that, it became like a routine. It was addicting. And as much as it hurt, I thought I deserved it."

"You didn't," Logan whispers, sorrow now reflecting in his eyes. "Just because your life was crappy, does not mean that you deserved to hurt yourself."

"I know. I mean, I didn't back then, but I do now. Back then, I just didn't really care about myself, like at all. I was tired of everything. I was tired of trying, tired of living. I wanted to d-die," he chokes on the last word, his tears now falling down his face freely. "And nobody could see it. Nobody could see how broken I was... how done I was with life."

"I'm sorry, James..."

"Don't." James looks up at Logan, who is wiping under his eyes with the sleeves of his shirt. "I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I hid it really well, especially from the three of you. It just fucking sucks that my _parents_ couldn't see how much what they were doing was affecting my mental health, because they were too caught up in how much hatred they had for each other."

"You don't do it anymore, right...?"

James shakes his head. "No, I stopped before we moved to LA. It was hard, and it hurt like hell, but I knew that I couldn't do that to myself anymore. I had to stop. I couldn't let my parents' selfishness and irrational decisions affect my own life."

"I'm glad you stopped."

"So am I. That's not the point, though. The point is, I know what it feels like to feel absolutely hopeless; to not want to live anymore. So, I guess I feel like I should've known. I should've known Carlos wasn't okay, but I didn't..."

"Come here." Logan pulls James closer and wraps his arms around him, as the younger boy shields his face against the crook of Logan's neck, sobbing loudly.

"I failed him, Logan. I f-fucked up."

"No, you didn't. You haven't failed anyone," he murmurs as he rocks James from side to side. "Carlos will be okay. He will get better."

"I s-still should've known," he hiccups.

"You can't change the past. What happened, happened. All we can do now is wait, and do our best to not lose hope. We can't give up on him. He needs us, now more than ever. And in order to be there for him, we need to take care of ourselves and each other, so that when he _does_ wake up, he has someone to lean on. If we don't take care of each other, how are we supposed to be there for him?"

"I g-guess you're right."

"I know it's hard, trust me, I do. I know Kendall blames himself too, and if I'm being honest, I feel really guilty, too, but blaming ourselves won't change what happened. We can't dwell on the past."

"I know we can't. It's just... not easy."

"I know it's not." Logan sighs. He wishes he could just wave a wand and make everything okay again, but that's not how life works. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows – sometimes it's storms and tornadoes. "But, it's like you told Kendall – that's why we have each other. As long as we have each other, we can get through anything."

* * *

**How was that? Did you guys like it? Feedback would be really appreciated. :) Thank you for reading!**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	17. Chapter 16

**Hey guys. This chapter actually sounds really cheesy, especially towards the end, but... I kind of like how it turned out, and I hope you do, too. :)**

* * *

"Carlos' parents are here." That's Kendall's voice, filled with evident sadness as he stands in front of James and Logan. He wraps his arms around himself and takes a seat beside Logan, not turning to look either of them in the eye. "They're really upset. I don't think they expected something like this to happen either."

"I don't think anyone did," Logan says quietly.

"I just want him to wake up, you know? I want him to be okay," James mumbles from where he's sitting to Logan's left. "But... even if he does wake up, that doesn't mean he's out of harm's way, does it?" he asks, turning to the shorter brunet, who looks at him with sorrow-filled eyes and shakes his head.

"Not exactly. We won't really know until he wakes up, which could take hours or even days. Not even the doctors know when he will. We don't know how he will react... We don't know anything."

"I'm... I'm scared." Kendall looks down at his feet, purposely avoiding looking at them for a reason. He has never really been the kind of person to admit when he's scared, so saying it out loud makes him feel embarrassed, though he knows he shouldn't be. "I'm scared of how things will be afterwards. I'm scared this will happen again."

"It won't," Logan affirms. "It won't happen again. We won't let it happen again."

James stands up and shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans, kicking a pebble that is lying on the ground. "We shouldn't make promises we can't keep," he says quietly, before walking away from them and back into the hospital.

"He's not taking this well," Kendall whispers under his breath, finally turning to Logan. The smaller boy shakes his head and watches James' retreating figure from where he's sitting. "I wish there was something we could do to help him."

"Me too, Kendall, but I don't think he's going to feel any better, until he sees that Carlos is okay... or at least, that he's going to be okay. Right now, no one is sure of anything, so he probably doesn't know what to think."

"To be honest, I don't know what to think either. Nobody is telling us anything, and I'm tired of waiting around for someone to tell us what's going on."

"I am, too, but there's not much that can be done about that."

"I wish there was," Kendall murmurs. "I hate that I have no control over anything right now. I can't even control my emotions. I feel pathetic."

"You're not pathetic." Logan pats the space between them, urging him to move closer. Kendall looks at him with hesitance in his eyes, before scooting closer to his friend. Logan gives him a small smile as he reaches for Kendall's hand that is resting on his lap. "You're not pathetic for having feelings; you're just human, like the rest of us. We'll get through this."

"That's what I keep telling myself," Kendall sighs, his fingers tightening around Logan's, "but if I'm being honest, right now, it's hard to believe it. It's... it's just hard."

"I know it is." The brunet lets his head rest against Kendall's shoulder and Kendall leans his head against the top of his. "It's gonna be okay."

"I hope so... We should go back inside, or else mom will worry."

Logan nods, and the two of them stand up and head in the direction of the hospital's entrance, but Kendall takes ahold of Logan's arm before they reach it, stopping him in his tracks.

"Wait."

"What?" Logan turns around, giving the younger boy a confused look. "What's wrong?"

Kendall shakes his head and grabs Logan by the shoulders, pulling him away from the automatic doors. "It's just that..."

"That what?"

"I just wanted to warn you."

"Warn me about what?" Logan asks, his heartbeat quickening. "Kendall, just tell me, you're scaring me..."

"It's... it's nothing to be scared of. Carlos' parents are just... they're not okay, so just be warned."

"What do you mean?"

"When I left, Carlos' mom was in hysterics. It was all just really heartbreaking and overwhelming, and his dad was no better, so I don't know if they'll be doing any better now. I just wanted to warn you. I thought you should know."

Logan wordlessly nods as he feels his eyes burn with tears. "Thanks, Kendall," he says quietly, blinking rapidly in hopes that he will be able to stop the tears from falling.

"Do you need a hug?" Kendall asks, but he doesn't have to wait for a reply, as Logan takes a couple of steps towards him and wraps his arms around his neck. "It's okay," Kendall whispers, his own arms moving to wrap around the shorter boy. "It's okay to cry."

"I don't want to," Logan mumbles against the fabric of Kendall's shirt.

Kendall pulls away, holding onto Logan, but keeping him a few inches away, so that he can look him in the eye. "You can't keep your feelings bottled up, Loges. It won't do you any good... trust me. The more you keep everything bottled up, the more it will destroy you."

"I know," the brunet mumbles. "Can I ask you a question, though?"

"Anything."

"Do you... do you really think Carlos will get better?"

"Honestly? I don't know, but I do think that if he wants to, he will."

"It's not really up to him, though. Not right now, at least."

"Maybe not, but... I think that if he has a reason to get better... a reason to keep living, he will recover. Perhaps he just needs a little help."

"How can we help him, though? He's unconscious, he can't hear us."

"I'll tell you once we're inside, so that James knows as well. Come on," Kendall says, nudging Logan inside. When they reach the waiting room, they're surprised to find James and Katie sitting together by themselves, with Mrs. Knight and the Garcias nowhere in sight.

"Where's my mom and Carlos' parents?" Kendall asks, looking around the room, but he recognizes no one around them.

"Your mom took Carlos' parents to the cafeteria. She said she wanted to talk to them and try to get them to calm down, so I stayed here with Katie."

"Oh, okay. I actually need to talk to you guys about something," the blond says, taking a seat in front of James and turning around, so that he can look at him and Katie. Logan takes a seat beside him and follows his actions, so that they're all now facing each other.

"What about?" James asks, looking up and meeting Kendall's eyes.

"I was talking to Logan, about how Carlos has to have a reason to get better, and well... This is probably gonna sound cheesy and stupid, but... When I was little, and my dad was in the hospital after his car crash, my mom always told me to try to talk to him. She would tell me that even though he wasn't conscious, he could still hear me. So I would talk to him, about anything and everything. I don't really know if he could really hear me, but... I was thinking we could do that for Carlos."

"You want us to talk to him?" James asks.

Kendall nods. "He needs to know somebody cares; he needs to know how much he means to us. He needs to have a reason to keep going. I don't know if talking to him will help, but I think it's worth a shot. I think we should at least try."

"And you think this will help him get better?" Katie questions her older brother.

Kendall shrugs his shoulders. "It might. It might make him realize he's not alone."

"He was never alone," Logan says softly.

"But he might've thought that," James says. "I think it's a good idea. We should do it."

"So... what do you two say?" Kendall asks, turning to both Katie and Logan.

Katie nods her head and gives him a small smile. "Definitely. If it might help, then of course, I'll do it."

"And you?" Kendall turns to Logan, poking him on the side with his index finger.

"Well, I think we should at least try. I mean, what do we have to lose, right?"

* * *

**Did you guys like it? Hate it? Let me know. And thank you for reading. :)**

**So, there's a new challenge on the BTR Plot Adoption Forum, and I thought I'd tell you guys about it, in case any of you wanted to participate. It's a BTR song challenge, so basically, it's about writing a story that is based off a BTR song. If any of you are interested, let me know. If you're gonna participate, I need to know which song you're gonna choose, because two people can't choose the same song. I hope some of you join. :)**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	18. Chapter 17

**Hey guys. For those of you who remember the prologue of this story, the beginning of this chapter will probably seem familiar – it's the prologue, just written differently, and the rest of the chapter is what happens afterwards. I hope you like this chapter... It's actually pretty long, compared to the others.**

* * *

"Boys, please go home, get some sleep."

Kendall groans from where he's sitting, struggling to keep his eyes open. "Mom, we already told you, we're not leaving. Not when Carlos needs us," he says, lifting his head from where it had been resting on James' shoulder. "We'll be fine."

"It might be a while until we hear anything, honey. You three need to get some sleep."

"But mom—"

"I think your mom's right, Kendall," Logan speaks up to his left. "We haven't really slept at all, and we can't help Carlos if we're sleep deprived and aren't able to function. We should go, even if it's just for a couple hours. She'll call if anything happens, right Mrs. Knight?" He looks up then, offering her a small smile.

"Of course I will."

Kendall sighs but sits up, turning to look at James. "You think we should?" he asks him, still unsure of what they should do.

"I guess," he says as he stands up and turns to Logan and Kendall. "But just for a couple of hours."

"Just for a couple of hours," Logan repeats, following his actions.

"Come on, we'll be back," Logan urges Kendall, who remains unmoving. He extends a hand for the taller boy to take, which he does after a brief moment of hesitation.

It's not until they're outside of the hospital and away from the others, that everything hits them like a truck.

"This cannot be happening," James mutters, struggling to stop himself from crying. "I can't... It just can't be happening."

Kendall wastes no time in pulling him into a hug with one arm, as he pulls Logan closer with the other. "He's going to be okay, guys," he says, even though it's something that he can't quite bring himself to believe. "We'll make sure of it. As soon as he's out of here, we will not allow him to hurt again."

"You can't stop someone from hurting, Kendall," Logan says. "You can try... we can try to protect him, but no one is ever one hundred percent safe from being in pain."

"I know, Logan," he says, and he does know. He knows there's no way he can keep Carlos from hurting ever again, but that doesn't mean he's not going to try as hard as he can to make it happen. "But I will not allow him to hurt so much again."

Logan doesn't say anything, as he stares at James with worried eyes, taking notice of the expression of utter sadness that is present on his face. "James?" he calls him, but he only receives a hum in response. "Are you okay, James?"

"I'm fine," he mumbles as he pulls away from the hug and starts walking towards their parked car.

Kendall and Logan follow closely behind, with Kendall wrapping an arm around Logan's shoulders as he sees he's fighting back tears.

"James, are you sure you want to drive? Because I'll drive if you can't—" Kendall says when they reach the car, only to find James already sitting on the driver's seat, his knuckles white from how tightly he's gripping the steering wheel. Logan has already climbed into the backseat, but Kendall's still standing outside, with one hand holding on to the door's handle.

"It's fine. Keep Logie company," James interrupts.

Kendall hesitates before answering, debating whether or not he should argue with the brunet, but he decides not to, because he doesn't want to make things worse. "Okay," he mumbles as he climbs into the backseat beside Logan. He wraps an arm around the smaller boy, smiling faintly as Logan curls up against his side.

James stays silent where he's sitting, his gaze locked on what's in front of him. It's not until Kendall opens his mouth to speak, that he makes a sound.

"I'm such an idiot." Kendall's voice cuts through the air like a knife, forcing James to turn to look at him and Logan to grow rigid in his hold.

"No, Kendall. We are not going to play the blame game. If you even think about saying this is your fault, then I suggest for you to not even open your mouth and stop thinking like that. Would he want you to be blaming yourself?" James sounds like a hypocrite, and perhaps he is one, but he doesn't care. He's tired and upset, and he feels absolutely useless.

"You don't understand, James. You don't get it! I should have n-noticed..."

_We all should have_, James thinks, but he doesn't say anything as he climbs into the backseat and pulls both Kendall and Logan close, finally allowing the tears to fall. They stay huddled together for a few minutes, seeking comfort in each other's arms, but it seems like it isn't enough, because something's missing. Someone is missing.

"How did we... how did we end up here?" Kendall asks when James starts to pull away.

"I don't know," he replies, because he doesn't really have an answer to that question. None of them really do have an answer. They're all lost without Carlos, because he was the one who knew how to cheer everyone up in times of chaos. He was the one who always managed to bring a smile to their faces, no matter how bad of a mood they might have been in. He was the sun in a rainy day. He was everything to them, and now they don't have him. Now he's gone, and they don't know if they'll ever get him back. "All I know is that I'm tired, and my head's a mess, and I really don't know what the fuck to d-do."

Logan flinches at the harsh tone in James' voice, which doesn't go unnoticed by the taller boy. "I'm sorry, Logie," he chokes out. "I'm so sorry."

Receiving no response, he climbs back to the driver's seat and starts the car, before pulling away from the parking lot and driving in the direction of the Palm Woods.

* * *

"C-can I come in?"

It's over forty minutes later. Logan and Kendall are in their room, both of them indulged in their own thoughts, when James appears in the doorway. His eyes are bloodshot from crying, and he looks like he can barely sustain his weight on his own two feet.

"Sure," Kendall says, but his eyes don't move away from where he has been staring at the ceiling for a good twenty minutes straight. Logan nods from where he's laying, staring at the doorway, with his back to Kendall.

He feels awkward and exposed, and it's something that he's not used to, at least not when it comes to Kendall and Logan. He has always felt like he can go to them for anything, but now he feels like he would just be putting a burden on their shoulders – a burden they don't need.

"I..." He opens his mouth, but closes it right after, unsure of what to say. "I c-can't be in my room... in _our_ room. I can't be in there. It hurts too much. I j-just want to go back to the hospital. I don't wanna be here."

"Then let's go," Kendall says as he finally turns to look at him. "I mean, what's the point of being here? I know Mom wanted us to get some rest, but I can't, and from what I can tell, neither can the two of you."

Logan suddenly lets out a small whimper and clutches his stomach tightly. Two seconds later, he's bolting out of the room, almost knocking James over in the process.

"Logan, where are you going?" Kendall calls out, but he receives no response. They hear the bathroom door close shut, followed by the sound of Logan throwing up.

The two boys waste no time in running after him and pushing the door open. There, they find Logan sitting on the floor, with his back pressed against the wall and eyes partially closed.

"Logan? Logie, are you okay?" Kendall asks, kneeling down in front of the smaller boy.

"I'm fine," Logan mumbles in response, but not even five seconds later, he's scrambling back towards the toilet, to throw up some more. "Or not," he admits once he's finished.

Kendall shares a worried look with James as the two boys move forward and help Logan to his feet. They drag him back to his room despite his protests, and force him to lay down.

"Guys, I was joking, I'm fine. I'm not sick, okay?"

"You should still lay down for a bit," James says, pushing him back down when he attempts to sit up.

"But James—"

"Logan, please listen to me."

Sighing, the smaller boy complies, not wanting to argue anymore. He's tired of arguing, and frankly, he doesn't have the energy to put up a fight.

"Umm, guys, my mom's calling," Kendall says quietly, as he stares at his phone, which he is holding with shaking hands. "What if something happened...?"

"Just answer her," James says.

Kendall nods and answers the phone, a feeling of dread draping over him. "Mom? Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine, sweetheart. I mean, nothing bad has happened," she corrects herself, knowing everything's not really fine, "but the doctor came by to let us know that Carlos is stable and we can go see him. I thought you'd want to know."

"Finally," he sighs in relief. "We'll be right over. Thanks for letting me know."

When he hangs up, he looks up to find James and Logan looking at him with hope in their eyes.

"He woke up...?" James asks, smiling widely, but his smile disappears as soon as Kendall shakes his head.

"No, but he's stable, and they're allowing visitors, so we can go see him."

"Oh..." James looks down and without warning starts to cry, alarming the two boys in front of him.

"Hey, James, it's okay. Jay, don't cry, it's all gonna be okay," Kendall whispers as he pulls him into a hug.

"I-I-I thought he was awake," he cries into the fabric of Kendall's shirt. "I thought he was o-okay. I thought—"

"He _will_ be okay." This time, it's Logan who speaks up. "He will be okay, and he will wake up, okay? These kinds of things take time, though. I know it feels like it's taking forever, but he will wake up."

"I just wish there was something we could do."

"I know," Kendall whispers, briefly pressing his lips to the top of James' head. "There is something we can do, though – we can go see him and talk to him. I know it might seem like nothing, but it might help somehow."

"Yeah, remember what we said? We said we'd talk to him and help him realize how much he is cared for and needed. He might hear us, he might not, but we'll never know if we don't try," Logan reminded him, patting him on the back. "So come on, let's go see him."

"I'm scared to," James admits.

"Why are you scared?"

"Because he'll look so broken, and I don't think I'm ready to see him like that."

"We'll go with you," Kendall says. "We're in this together, you know. You don't have to do anything alone if you don't want to."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Okay... I guess we can go, then."

"Good, but I'm driving," Logan says as he grabs the car keys from where they're sitting on his nightstand.

"Yeah, that's not happening." No sooner has he grabbed them, that Kendall snatches them from his hand. "You're not driving after what just happened, and neither is James. I'll drive."

Logan groans and rolls his eyes in obvious annoyance. "I told you I'm fine."

"It doesn't matter, I'm driving."

"Fine," Logan mutters as he glares in his direction, "but your driving is awful, so you better not kill us."

"Hey! My driving is not awful!"

"Kind of is," James mumbles as he swings his legs over the edge of the bed and stands up.

"Whose side are you on?"

"Yours?"

"You don't sound too sure about that."

James smiles, nudging Kendall on the side. "That's because I'm lying. Your driving _is_ awful."

"Do you guys wanna get there or not?"

Logan and James stay silent as they follow the blond out of the room, closing the door behind them. They're halfway out the front door, when James stops them.

"Hey guys... should I take Carlos' helmet with us?" he asks, staring at the black helmet that is resting on the orange couch in the living room. "Maybe he'll need it."

"He's in the hospital, James. He's safe there, he doesn't need it," Logan points out.

"Yeah, but..." he sighs, tearing his gaze away from it. "Forget it. It was a stupid idea anyway."

"No, I think it's a good idea. It might come in handy."

James sends Kendall a grateful smile and walks towards the couch to grab it. He then walks back to where Kendall and Logan are standing, their eyes now locked on the helmet as well.

"He should've been wearing it last night," Kendall mumbles to himself quietly, a hint of sadness evident in his voice. "Maybe it would've helped somehow." James can tell from the look on his face that he's holding back tears. They all are.

"Let's just go," Logan says as he grabs onto Kendall's arm, pulling him out of the apartment. He gives James a saddened look and gestures for him to follow, which he does once he's sure he's locked the door.

* * *

"Well, we're here."

Kendall stares at the hospital in front of them. He has no intention of getting out of the car, and judging by the fact that James and Logan have not moved an inch, neither do they.

"Now that I think about it, I don't wanna be here either," James chokes out brokenly, wiping away the few tears that have managed to escape. "I hate this place."

"We have to," Kendall says. "He needs us."

James nods and reaches for the door handle. He hesitates before opening it and stepping outside. He feels sick just standing there, so he can only imagine how awful he will feel once he actually sees Carlos.

"Come on, Logie." He reaches for Logan's hand with the one hand that isn't holding on to Carlos' helmet and helps him out. "Kendall, aren't you coming?"

"Yeah, I'm coming."

"You aren't moving."

A shaky sigh slips from his lips as he lets his head rest against the steering wheel, his eyes brimming with tears. "I know," he mumbles. "Just go ahead and go inside. I'll be there in a few minutes."

"We're not going in there without you," Logan says as they both walk around the car to the driver's side. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Kendall, stop lying to us."

"This place just brings back bad memories, okay?" He finally looks up, but doesn't turn towards either of them. "Bad memories of my dad. Memories of when he died. They're memories I wish I could forget, but every single time I step foot into a hospital, I'm reminded of them."

"Do you want us to wait in there with you? Because we don't mind."

Shaking his head, Kendall pushes the door open and steps out.

"Come on." James takes a step towards him and hugs him tightly, motioning for Logan to get closer. "We'll be okay. We will _all_ be okay. I know you're scared because your dad died in a hospital, and you're scared it will happen again, but it won't, okay? It won't."

"How do you know that?" Kendall asks. "How do you know it won't?"

"I don't, but I know that if Carlos was here, he'd probably chew our ears off for even thinking that."

"I just can't imagine a life without him. He was safe just twenty-four hours ago... He was okay. And now... now he's in the hospital, fighting for his life. How does something like that happen? How could we let this happen?"

"Because we're idiots," Logan speaks up. "But like you said, we're going to do everything we can to protect him once he's out of here. We will not lose him to this. We _can't_."

* * *

**So, I'm not really sure if I like the ending, but I couldn't figure out how to end it, and it was getting too long. Let me know what you thought. And thank you for reading. :)**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	19. Chapter 18

**Hey guys! So, this is kind of a filler chapter for the most part, but something that happens in it will... lead to some other things happening. All I can say is, expect a lot of angst in the next chapter. :) Also, this chapter is over 2,000 words... Seems like the chapters for this story keep getting longer and longer.**

**Trigger warning for mentions of self-harm and attempted suicide. I hope you enjoy. :)**

* * *

"So... who's going to go in first?" James asks, his gaze moving from Logan to Kendall. Logan just stares back at him and then at the floor, stuffing his hands inside his jeans' pockets. He doesn't say anything in response. "Kendall?"

The blond swallows hard and stares back at James. "Yeah?"

James' eyes move to the door that is separating them from their best friend, and he motions towards it with a shrug of his shoulder. "Who should go first?" he asks, looking to Kendall for an answer.

"Can't we all just go in at once?" Logan finally speaks out, lifting his head and looking at his two best friends. He hates the tension that has grown between them. He hates that they're all acting differently. Kendall doesn't sound at all like the leader he's always known – he seems broken in a way, afraid and cautious, as if he's unsure of himself. And James' eyes reflect nothing but fear and uncertainty, and he hates it. He can't really blame them, though – not when he doesn't feel like himself either. He, too, feels uncertain and afraid and is being consumed by guilt.

"We could, if you guys want—"

"You guys go," Kendall cuts in, not meeting their eyes. "Go see Carlos. I'll go afterwards."

"But Kendall—"

"Just go, Logan," he says stubbornly, offering him a small smile. "Seriously, go."

Logan sends James a worried look, not quite knowing what to do.

"Come on, Logie," James says as he reaches for Logan's arm and tugs him towards him. He sends Kendall a worried look – he doesn't have to say anything for Kendall to know what he's thinking. He knows something is up.

Kendall watches as James hesitantly reaches for the doorknob of Carlos' hospital room and pushes the door open. He walks inside, gently pulling Logan behind him, and then closes the door, leaving Kendall standing by himself outside the room.

"Aren't you gonna go inside?"

Startled, Kendall turns around, only to be met by the sight of Katie, who has her arms crossed over her chest and a frown plastered on her face.

"I... Yeah, I'm just... I just wanted them to go in first, you know? Thought maybe all of us going in at once would be too much."

"You're lying," Katie blurts out, raising an eyebrow at her older brother. "You're not a very good liar, big brother. What's going on?"

Kendall sighs, knowing fully well that he can't fool her. Katie's wise beyond her years and can tell when something is bothering him. It's something Kendall hates, because he feels like she shouldn't be worrying over him. He is the oldest after all; she's only eleven. Even with the boys, he feels like they shouldn't worry over him.

"I feel like this is all my fault somehow," he says so quietly that Katie is barely able to hear him. He presses his back against the wall and lets his body slide against it, until he is sitting on the floor, with his knees pulled up to his chest. "I knew something was wrong, Katie... I had this feeling, like something wasn't quite right, but I thought, 'Hey, this is Carlos. He'd tell you if something was wrong,' but... he never did. Even when I asked, he acted like everything was okay – like he wasn't being eaten alive in the inside."

"What if he wasn't?" Katie asks as she takes a seat next to him. "What if the doctors are wrong and it really was just an accident?"

"It wasn't. They found... they found evidence of self-harm. They're doctors, Katie, I'm sure they wouldn't just assume that without knowing all the facts. Besides, what would Carlos be doing outside, in a busy intersection past midnight? Not to mention that something was off about him. He did this to himself, Katie. It wasn't an accident. We were just... too blind to realize that something was wrong."

"You shouldn't be blaming yourself for this, though. None of you should," Katie mumbles. She lets her head fall against Kendall's shoulder, her eyes staring straight ahead. "I know this whole thing sucks, and I know you feel like this is your fault for not noticing it sooner, but he kept it from you for a reason. This is nobody's fault. It's not your fault, or Logan's, or James', or Carlos'. We don't know why Carlos felt the need to hurt himself, and until we know why this happened, you shouldn't be pointing fingers, not even at yourselves."

"I know."

"Then? Why do you keep doing it?"

"I don't know, Katie. It's just my stupid brain being... stupid."

"Your brain's not stupid," Katie says, lifting her head and turning to look at Kendall. "You feel bad, because he's your best friend and you're the 'leader.' But, big brother, you're not to blame for everything. You're not Superman. I know you feel like you have to protect the guys from everything, but there are some things even you can't protect them from."

"I should have tried harder," Kendall mutters, blinking back the tears that have gathered in his eyes. "I should have tried harder, but–but I didn't, and now... now he's here because of it. He's here because I didn't try harder, because I couldn't protect him."

"Do you think Carlos would want you to blame yourself for this whole thing?"

"No..."

"Then do your best to stop blaming yourself. Go in there, be with him, be with the guys. They need you now more than ever, but you also need them, so stop bottling everything up. Let them be there for you. They care about you just as much as you care about them."

"I know, it's just... hard."

"I know, but you'll feel a lot better once you let them in, and I'm sure they will, too."

Kendall lets out a shaky sigh and turns to his younger sister, his lips turning upwards a bit in a small smile. "Yeah, I guess you're right," he mumbles before moving to stand up.

"I'm always right." Katie grins and rises to her feet as well. "Now go," she urges as she reaches for the doorknob and swings the door open, pushing Kendall inside before he can stop her.

* * *

James cautiously walks into the room, Logan hot on his heels. Nothing could have prepared him for the sight that greets him as soon as he steps foot in the hospital room. As soon as his eyes land on Carlos' still body, he feels like his legs might give out from underneath him or like he might throw up – perhaps a combination of both.

"Oh God," he hears Logan gasp from behind him, his smaller body cowering behind James'. There are countless machines and tubes that are connected to Carlos' body – tubes and machines James knows nothing about but is sure that Logan does. He can only imagine how terrifying this must be for him.

"Are you okay?" James chokes out, his eyes welling up with tears he's doing his best to hold back. "Logan?" he asks, turning around to look at the shorter brunet.

Logan hums in response, his eyes staring at the form of their best friend laying on the white hospital bed. "Just... shocked," he mutters, holding on to James' arm with a strong grip – so strong, in fact, that James wouldn't be surprised if it left some bruising. If it were any other circumstance, he would pull away, but he can't – partly because his mind is somewhere else. "Are you?" Logan asks in a shaky voice after a few seconds, his eyes never leaving Carlos.

"No," James confesses, inhaling sharply. Without another word, he moves towards Carlos' bedside, sighing in relief when Logan finally lets go of his arm.

"It's... okay to cry, you know," Logan says softly, one of his hands landing on James' shoulder. It's nice, knowing that Logan is right beside him. It's nice knowing he's not alone.

"He just... he looks so... broken," James chokes out, the fingertips of his right hand ghosting over Carlos' hand. "Oh God, how could we have let this happen?" Without warning, James collapses on the chair that was left placed beside the bed and takes Carlos' hand in between his own, no longer being able to hold back his tears. "I'm so sorry, Los. I'm so, so sorry. I'm s-sorry we couldn't see you were h-hurting. I'm sorry we weren't b-better friends. I'm s-s-sorry!"

"James..." Logan trails off, biting hard on his bottom lip to stop the tears that so desperately plead to be let loose. "James, he's not— he's not d-dead, James." The word 'dead' sounds bitter in his tongue, even though he knows that Carlos is still alive and that there is a chance he could wake up. The fact that James is talking to him as if he's already dead, makes him wonder if he ever really will wake up.

"He _looks_ dead," James replies bluntly, more tears coming to his eyes at his own words. Behind him, he hears Logan let out a sob, making him immediately regret what he has said. "Logan, I'm so sorry." He stands up and turns to Logan, wrapping both of his arms around him tightly. At first, Logan pushes against him, angry tears clouding his vision, but he eventually goes limp in James' arms and shields his face in the taller boy's shoulder.

"I don't want him to d-die," Logan stammers out, his arms wrapping around James' waist and fisting the fabric of James' jacket with his hands. "It hurts, James. It hurts so much."

"I know," James replies softly, the words barely making themselves past his lips. "I know it hurts, and I know there's nothing I can say that'll make you feel any better, but..." he trails off, unsure of what to say next. "But he'll wake up. I mean, he has to, right? This can't... this can't be the end. We can't lose him like this. We can't lose him now."

Logan nods his head but doesn't say anything.

"It's gonna be okay, Logie," James whispers in his ear as he rubs small circles against Logan's back. "I don't know how, but it's gonna be okay."

"I just want him to wake up so badly. I want to be able to talk to him."

"You _can_ talk to him."

"That's not what I mean, James." Logan pulls away, drying the tears from his face with his hand. He blinks several times before looking up at James, his eyes bloodshot and tired. "I want him to be able to respond. I want to know why he did this. I just want answers, you know? I want to be able to understand why—"

That's when Kendall walks in, stopping in front of the two boys and giving them each a questioning look. "What's going on?" he manages to choke out, growing worried.

"Nothing, Logie just kinda broke down," James responds, earning a glare from said boy.

"You did, too," Logan points out.

Kendall brushes past the two boys, taking the seat James had sat in only a few minutes before and grabbing ahold of Carlos' hand. "Hey, Litos," he whispers, his eyes landing on the smaller boy's bruised face. He sighs, his shoulders slumping as he lets his head rest against Carlos' chest, hot tears making their way to his eyes. "We need you," he mumbles, suddenly feeling like he can't breathe properly. "We need you to be okay, so please, please hang in there, okay?" He lifts his head and stares at Carlos' face, as if expecting a reaction, but there's nothing – no indication that he can hear him, no indication that he will wake up.

He feels a hand on his shoulder, and when he turns, he finds the owner of it to be James. Logan is standing at the foot of the bed, looking at him with worried brown eyes.

"Kendall, are you okay?" Logan asks quietly, as if afraid to utter those words. He wants nothing more than to go up to Kendall and hug him, but he's afraid that he'll be pushed away. Kendall doesn't usually like to admit when he's not okay, and when he does, it's usually James he runs to, because for whatever reason, he finds it easier to break down in front of James, than in front of him or Carlos. Logan thinks it might have to do with the fact that he's the leader and feels the need to protect them both, whereas James is a bit more independent and not as sensitive as the two of them. Logan knows that it's not because Kendall doesn't trust them – it's because he feels the need to be strong around them both, but with James, it's not always like that.

"I don't know," he mumbles, struggling to get to his feet. He feels everything around him start to rotate, as if he's in a merry-go-round instead of a hospital room, and there are black spots dancing around in his vision. "I don't..."

Before James or Logan can comprehend what is happening, Kendall's eyes roll to the back of his head and he falls backwards, startling James, who is almost knocked off his feet by Kendall's weight collapsing against him.

"Kendall?" James' eyes go wide, and he turns to Logan wish a shocked expression on his face. "Kendall, can you hear me? Kendall, please say something," he says with more desperation in his voice, but Kendall remains limp in his arms.

* * *

**Don't worry, Kendall will be fine... sorta. What did you guys think? Anything you wanna see in the story, let me know. Thank you for reading. :)**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	20. Chapter 19

**Hey guys. I'm actually really happy with how this chapter turned out, and surprisingly, it doesn't really have any Kendall angst... It does have angst, though. I hope you guys like it. :)**

**Trigger warning for mentions of suicidal thoughts, depression and self-harm.**

* * *

"You really scared me." James' voice shakes as he utters that one sentence, his head turning a bit to the left to stare at Kendall. The two of them, along with Logan, are sitting in the back of the BTR Mobile, while Mrs. Knight and Katie are in the front.

He can feel Kendall nudge him on the side from where he's sitting beside him, his head resting on James' shoulder. "I'm sorry," he says quietly, his eyes opening just a bit. "I didn't mean to."

From where Logan is sitting to Kendall's left, he stares at them and sighs softly. He feels sick to his stomach and he can't think straight. The day isn't even halfway over, but he's already exhausted beyond belief. He's exhausted physically, due to lack of sleep, but he's even more exhausted emotionally, and he can tell that Kendall and James are, too.

After finding out that Kendall had passed out, Mrs. Knight had insisted that they go back home and get some much-needed sleep, for the second time that day. The boys, of course, had refused, so she had decided to drive them there herself, which is where they were currently headed.

"I feel like crap," Kendall groans when they're just about two blocks away from the Palm Woods. He curls in on himself, his arms wrapping tightly around his stomach. "I feel sick."

"We're almost home," James mutters as he places an arm around Kendall's shoulders.

"I'm sure you'll feel better once you get some sleep," Logan says quietly. He turns to James, taking notice of the tired expression on his friend's face. "I think we all will."

"I can't sleep," Kendall mutters stubbornly. "Not until I know that Carlos is okay."

"Honey, you need to try." Mrs. Knight sighs from where she's sitting in the driver's seat, her worry for her son increasing. "You fainted. I'm worried about you. Carlos might not wake up for a few more hours, or days, or weeks, or..."

"Never?"

This time, it's Katie who has spoken. She looks up at her mother with sorrowful brown eyes, noticing the way her hands have tightened around the steering wheel.

"Katie... that's not what I was going to say."

Katie shrugs, her head turning towards the window as a lone tear starts to roll down her cheek. "Don't have to," she mumbles. "We all know it's a possibility."

James frowns at Katie's words, while Kendall stays silent, and Logan's body goes rigid. Of course they all know it's a possibility, but it's not something they like to hear being said out loud. Saying it out loud makes it even more real, because then they can't tell themselves that they're just overthinking things.

* * *

It's almost two hours later when James walks into his room. He has been avoiding going inside ever since they got to Apartment 2J because he doesn't want to be around Carlos' stuff. But after Mrs. Knight tells him to get some rest, he has no choice but to walk inside. Except he's not planning on resting like he has promised her he will.

His head won't stop spinning, and his mind won't stop racing.

He's pacing in a circle in front of his bed, his fists clenching and unclenching by his sides. He wants to scream, wants to cry, wants to succumb to the negative thoughts pulling at his heart strings.

He feels guilty for many reasons – for not helping Carlos when he needed him, for getting angry at Kendall, for being so selfish. He hates himself – he hates who he has become, and he doesn't know what to do with himself. He doesn't know what to do to make things okay again.

The truth is that James has always been perceived as selfish by everyone around him. He has always appeared to be self-centered and egocentric, but he's none of those things. No matter how hard he tries to act like he is, he's not, and he has always known this. He's known this, because despite the confident exterior he displays on a daily basis, he knows that's not who he really is. He knows his insecurities, his flaws – the ones that at one point were the sole reason he wanted so badly to end his life.

But he thought he was over that. Even though they always sat at the back of his mind and would sometimes resurface, he thought he was over them. They didn't hurt him as badly as they used to; they didn't tear him up like they did before.

But now? Now he's not so sure about that.

He comes to a stop in front of the full-length mirror that is in the middle of his and Carlos' room. He stares and stares, until the sight in front of him makes him want to punch the mirror and watch shards of glass fly everywhere. And then he wants to grab one of those shards of glass and use it to slice his skin open. Maybe then he'd feel better. Maybe inflicting pain upon himself would bring him at least a little bit of relief.

The thought is tempting, and no matter how much he tries to push it away, it won't leave him alone. He hates himself for even considering it. He hates himself because he feels like a hypocrite, after what's happened with Carlos. Maybe Carlos didn't try to commit suicide by cutting until he bled out, but he _did_ self-harm.

He feels like throwing up. He can't picture Carlos doing something like that to himself. He's the last one of his friends who he would've imagined to do something like that. Before he had been hospitalized, Carlos had always seemed so happy, so full of joy, so full of life. How could he have been so blind?

To think that Carlos was hurting so much, and that he didn't notice, makes him want to hurt himself even more. It's like a tug of war is going on in his head. A part of him wants to hurt himself because he feels like he deserves it for being so blind to Carlos' pain. And the other part of him knows that he shouldn't because Carlos wouldn't want that, and because if Logan and Kendall found out, they'd be terrified.

Perhaps if he was in a right state of mind, he'd realize just how bad of an idea that would be.

It's too bad he's not.

He makes his way to the drawers beside his bed and searches frantically through his clothes, his hands shaking and breath catching in his throat. He doesn't stop until his hand's wrapped around something small – a bag he had buried under all his clothes. Opening it, he finds what he was looking for. He grabs the small blade in between two fingers and watches the light from the ceiling reflect off its surface.

"James, can I talk to you for a bit?"

His hand freezes, his head turning towards the source of the voice. Logan is standing in his bedroom doorway. He seems nervous, judging by the way his hands are wriggling together in front of him.

"Uh, sure." As he stands up, he pushes the blade into his jeans' pocket and tosses the bag back into the drawer. He watches Logan from the corner of his eye as he walks inside the room. "Is everything okay?"

He feels stupid asking the question. Nothing is okay right now, obviously.

Logan shrugs and crosses his arms over his chest as he takes a seat on James' bed. His eyes roam around the room, stopping when they land on the bed that belongs to Carlos. "I don't really need to talk, I just... I don't think I want to be alone with my thoughts right now."

"Okay. How's Kendall?"

"He fell asleep."

James nods and takes a seat on his bed as well, his back resting against the bed's headboard. "C'mere." He opens his arms, coaxing Logan to come closer.

Logan crawls to where James is sitting and takes a seat beside him, letting his head rest against James' shoulder. He relaxes as he feels James wrap an arm around his shoulders. He's usually not a big fan of physical contact, but he needs this. He needs to know he's not alone, he needs someone close by.

"Are you afraid?" he asks, his voice wavering. "Because I am. I'm terrified."

"Of course I am... I never imagined that this would happen, you know? I didn't see it coming."

"Neither did I." Logan sighs and pulls his knees up to his chest. "I'm so tired. I literally feel sick."

"You should rest," James says, his hand moving from where it had been on Logan's shoulder, to his hair. "You're always preaching to us about how bad it is to not look out for our health. You need to take care of yourself, too. You saw what happened to Kendall."

"I'm worried about him, too."

"I know."

"And you. I'm worried about you." Logan raises his head and rests his chin on James' shoulder, looking up at him with worry.

"I'm okay, Logie. There's no need to worry about me. I'll be okay."

"I wish I could believe that." Logan frowns and turns away. He opens his mouth to say something else, but ends up yawning instead. "Just... know I'm here for you, okay?"

"I know. You too."

"Thanks."

James nods and tightens his hold on Logan. He can tell that he's struggling to stay awake, which isn't much of a surprise, since none of them got much sleep the night before.

It's not long after that that Logan goes completely limp in his hold. He thinks about carefully moving away and leaving the room, but he's tired, too. His eyelids are growing heavy, and unconsciousness seems to be doing everything in its power to pull him under. He's afraid of going to sleep, though. He's afraid he'll have nightmares about what's happened.

He tries his hardest to stay awake, but it's only a few minutes later that he realizes he can't keep up the fight much longer. His last thought is of the small blade tucked into his pocket, and what he plans to do with it once he's finally alone.

* * *

**This chapter was supposed to have a bunch of Logan angst, but I think I'm gonna save that for the next chapter. Let me know what you thought, and thank you for reading.**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	21. Chapter 20

**Hey guys. I'm so sorry it's taken me a while to update. I haven't had much time to write, due to school taking up a lot of my time. And I've also felt really unmotivated and overwhelmed with everything that's been going on here in the US, so that really hasn't helped, but... I finally managed to finish this chapter, and I really hope you guys like it. Some of you may hate me because of... well, you'll see.**

**Trigger warning for mentions of self-harm. It's not very descriptive, but I thought I'd let you know, just in case.**

* * *

He's not sure how long it's been since he fell asleep, but when he wakes up, he's shaking and he feels like he can't breathe. His eyes snap open, only to find that the room is engulfed in complete darkness, and he can no longer feel Logan's presence beside him.

"Logan?" he calls out his friend's name in confusion as he reaches blindly for the lamp beside his bed and turns it on. He stares at the space beside him, but just like he thought, Logan's no longer there.

It's in a groggy yet panicked state that he manages to stand on both feet and make his way towards the entrance of his room. He hesitates before stepping foot outside. The apartment is completely silent, so he can only assume that everyone's gone to bed. However, there's a voice in the back of his mind that fills him with fear. He has to know that Logan's okay.

He quietly takes the few steps towards Kendall and Logan's bedroom, expecting to find both of them asleep, but Logan's busy hunched over his desk. He can't see Kendall, due to the fact that the door is open just a crack, but he figures he must be okay if Logan's there with him.

He then walks in a cautious manner towards the bathroom in the apartment and steps foot inside, closing the door quietly behind him. It's not until he's inside that he reaches for the light switch and turns it on. The first thing he sees is his reflection in the mirror, and for some reason, it makes him sick to his stomach. There's a tightness in his chest that won't go away. It's like everything around him is closing in on him, or like there's not enough oxygen in the tiny room. He can only assume he's having an anxiety attack, judging by the way he's feeling, and while that's nothing new to him, he hasn't had one in a really long time.

He's terrified.

He fidgets with his sweater's sleeve and closes his hand around his wrist, his fingernails digging into his skin. It hurts, but he wants it to hurt. He wants to feel something, other than the turmoil of emotions and pain that seems to be floating around in his head.

It's then that he reaches for the blade he had tucked away in his jeans' pocket earlier that day. While he had stopped self-harming before they had moved to Los Angeles, there had been a particularly awful night, in which he had almost relapsed. It wasn't that hard to find a blade, and while he hadn't used it at the time, he did plan to use it now. He had to. He didn't know what else to do. Maybe he'd regret it later, maybe he wouldn't – at the moment, he can't be bothered to care.

It all happens in a blur. One moment he's gripping the blade and staring at it with hesitation. The next, he's staring at his wrist, which now has angry bloody marks all over it.

He stares at the fresh cuts, his eyes filling with tears that cause his vision to blur. The only question running through his head as he slides his back against the wall and collapses to the floor is, _What have I done?_

* * *

_Worthless._

His hand trembles as he writes the word down on a piece of paper, and then lets go of the pen he had been holding on to with an iron grip. There are tears pooling in his eyes, threatening to fall at any second, but he does his best to hold them back. Putting up a façade is proving to be a struggle, though. He's not really sure how much longer he can keep it up.

Without giving it a second thought, he grabs the piece of paper he had been writing on and tears it from his notebook. He then crumples it into a ball with both hands and tosses it in the direction of the small trash can beside his desk. He can't help the frown that comes to his face when he misses his target and it lands on the floor.

"Stupid," he grumbles, wiping at the tears of anger and sadness that are now rolling down his cheeks.

"You aren't stupid."

He jumps in surprise, having completely forgotten that he was not the only one in the room.

"Sure feel like it," he mumbles, his gaze cast downwards, not facing the other side of the room, where Kendall is now sitting up in bed. "Are you feeling any better?" he asks him, daring to take a quick glance at the other boy.

"I guess," Kendall says, shrugging his shoulders simultaneously. He stands on both feet, albeit a bit dizzily, and moves to take a seat on Logan's bed. "Why do you feel stupid?" he asks in a soft tone as he props his elbow on top of one leg and rests his chin on the palm of his hand. His eyes, which are filled with worry, are locked on Logan's unmoving figure.

When he receives no answer, he scoots closer to the edge of the bed and places a hand on Logan's shoulder. He frowns when Logan flinches at his touch and shrugs his hand away. "Logie, talk to me, please."

"Because I am, alright?" Logan snaps, finally looking up at Kendall. "I'm a fucking idiot! I can't do anything right!"

This time, it's Kendall who flinches involuntarily, surprised by Logan's outburst and choice of words. Logan never curses, not unless he's extremely upset, which he obviously is, judging by his actions.

Logan seems to realize what he has just said, because his eyes grow wide and he clamps a hand over his mouth. He turns away from Kendall then and stares at a small stain that contrasts against the beige color of his desk. "Sorry," he whispers. "I don't know where that came from."

"It's okay." Kendall smiles, although it's forced. "But, that had to have come from somewhere," he says slowly, trying not to push him. He watches Logan carefully, taking notice of the way his eyes seem to be traveling around the room. He looks nervous and scared, and it worries him. Although the two emotions are something he's used to seeing on Logan, he never acts that way because of him. "You can tell me if you're upset. I'm not gonna hold it against you. If anything, it would worry me if you weren't."

"I..." Logan opens and closes his mouth repeatedly like a fish out of water, his hands shaking where they're resting on the surface of his desk. "I don't... I don't wanna talk about it."

"Alright."

"Alright?" Logan asks, raising an eyebrow at his friend. He didn't expect Kendall to give up that easily.

"Mhm," Kendall hums as he reaches for the notebook in front of Logan. His eyes travel over the page it's open to. The page is blank, but there are angry marks carved into it from how firmly and aggressively he had been writing on the page he had torn off. "Then write down your feelings," he tells him, handing it back to him. "You don't have to talk about how you're feeling out loud. I know how hard that is for you, but you can always write it down. Just don't keep it to yourself, okay?"

"There's not much to say," Logan mumbles. "Writing down my feelings won't make a difference. It won't fix things, it won't make Carlos wake up. It might make me feel a bit better, but it won't... take the pain away."

"I know." Kendall's voice is barely above a whisper, his face void of emotion. "But you're bottling things up, Logan," he says, sighing in frustration, "and you... you can't do that."

"That's kind of a hypocritical thing to say, don't you think?" Logan says as he turns to Kendall with a frown. "You're like an expert at hiding your feelings."

Kendall rolls his eyes and nudges Logan on the shoulder. "Shut up," he mutters. "I've been trying not to. And you need to do the same."

Logan lets out a shaky sigh and rises from his chair, only to plop down beside Kendall a second later. "I wanna talk about it," he says softly as he turns to Kendall, his eyes reflecting fear and uncertainly. "I just... don't know how to, I guess."

Kendall nods, not knowing how to respond. He understands what Logan's trying to say. He has never been any good at talking about his feelings either, but he hates that Logan's keeping everything to himself, because he knows it'll only hurt him in the end. He'll bottle everything up, until he explodes. It's happened to him more times than he can count, and he doesn't want Logan to have to go through that as well.

"Can I hug you?" he asks quietly, smiling a little when Logan nods his head in response. He wastes no time in winding his arms around the smaller boy and pulling him closer.

Logan hugs him back and shields his face against Kendall's shoulder, inhaling deeply as the tears start to fall again.

"Just let it out," Kendall whispers, his hand rubbing circles against Logan's quivering back. "You don't have to talk."

He feels Logan nod against his shoulder, but he says nothing in response. He doesn't let go until Logan cries himself dry. Until his body grows limp in his hold, exhausted from crying.

"I'm sorry..." Logan says quietly as he pulls away, not meeting Kendall's worried gaze. "I didn't mean to—"

"It's okay," Kendall interrupts him, smiling weakly. "There's nothing you need to apologize for. You feel the way you feel, and you shouldn't be sorry for that. Not now, and not ever."

* * *

James spends the next half an hour or so tossing and turning in his bed, unable to fall asleep. He feels horrible, even more so than he did before, and he hates himself for what he has done. But more than anything, he hates himself because despite feeling guilty, he has the urge to do it again. He wants to hurt himself again, and he's not even sure what has caused him to feel this way once more, but he absolutely hates it. He doesn't even know how he's going to be able to look Carlos in the eye, when he wakes up, after what he has done. That is, if he ever does wake up.

"James?"

Surprised, James turns his head towards his bedroom doorway and watches as Katie slowly walks inside with her arms wrapped tightly around herself. She stops at the foot of his bed and turns her gaze towards the ground, shifting uncomfortably where she stands.

"Hey," he says softly as he sits up in bed and motions for her to take a seat. "Something wrong?"

"I can't sleep," she mumbles, looking up at James with teary brown eyes. "I was gonna go talk to Kendall, but I heard him talking with Logan, so I didn't want to interrupt. Plus... I had something to ask you..."

"Sure, what is it?"

"Do you think... Carlos would mind if I slept in his bed tonight?"

At the mention of Carlos' name, James feels his heart sink, but he hides it behind a smile as he shakes his head. "No, of course not. You can sleep there if you want to."

"Okay... Oh, and James?"

"Yeah?"

Before getting up, she turns towards him with a small smile and wraps her arms around him. "Thank you."

"Anytime, Katie," James whispers, letting her go. He watches her walk away from his bed and climb into Carlos', before laying back down on his own. "Goodnight," he manages to choke out, feeling an overwhelming feeling of sadness consume him all of a sudden.

"'Night."

Hot tears stream down his face as he rolls over onto his other side, facing away from her, not wanting her to see him break down. She might be wise beyond her years and at times act older than she actually is, but she's still only eleven. He doesn't want to scare her. She's already scared as it is – surely seeing him break will only make her feel even worse, and she doesn't need that.

Nobody needs another reason to worry, which is why he can't tell anyone about what he has done, especially not Kendall and Logan. Surely they'll hate him if they find out, and he doesn't think he can handle that.

It's a good thing he's done this in the past. If they didn't find out about it before, they won't now, especially when there are more important things to worry about.

* * *

**I kinda feel bad for what I did to James, but I've had it planned for a while... So, next chapter you'll see how James will be affected by what he did, and maybe there will be more Kendall and Logan angst as well (by maybe, I mean definitely). Hopefully it won't take me as long to get it up, haha. Let me know what you thought. And thank you for reading. :)**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


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